Walkin' on Down the Road

Even if the blanket was so hot & I slept very few hours in the morning,today I did something.Plus I hoped & ate almost in good way.Almost healthy.I walked so much that I hope tomorrow my legs/the fact I could do better  will not kill myself.I Found new places.I Almost lost myself.I saw a lot of city-people walk in line to return at the office.Took some photos.I was happy it wasn't very cold.1,70£ for 12 photocpies.Good.& he prints t-shirts too.See ya soon!50£ & anxiety.Walk walk walk to Liverpool station.Milions of people.Milions of food shops.Zero vacancies.HMV.I would to work there!Uh,DONKIN' DONUTS!For fuck sake,why everything is so fucking expensive?Fuck!Ice rink.I think to my father.He probably could like it.Finally Spitalfield market!The primary object!Cvs as flowers on the way.Smiles & Self-confidence.OH MY GOD HE WAS BRENT BY MASTODO!HOLY SHIT!He looked at me & I looked at him but I lostthe precious moment!F-U-C-K!I would to work to Rough Trade!!I write down all the shops where I have to send Cvs.I feel again like Walking Dead when they talk just only about the food.I talk about the food & the research of a job.A very strange interview...but...finger crossed.So the last cv & the last smile.I feel fine.A little reward for me that I'm falling down.Grosery shopping at Tesco making counts & buying only the necessary.Bread,peanut butter,salmon,mushrooms,soy meatballs (let me eat something tasty please!!),hummus & mint candies.Less than 10£!8,11£!YEAH!Next time I have to buy more fruit.I really need to eat better or I'll fall apart.Walk walk walk.Today is tha Thanksgiving?Urrah!Really if you don't live in USA the only thing you can think is WHO CARES!Tomorrow is Black Friday but I'm so poor that I can't effort any extra....uff!I wait to have dinner reading newspaper & post on instagram.I feel so cold.Pain everywhere.Around 9pm I prepare dinner.Something tasty:soy meatballs with tomatoes+mushrooms & ceddar.Super good but I still feel empty.Not good at all.I watch Frank & I fell in love for this movie & for Michael Fassbender's voice.I don't know what to do tomorrow night.Mumble mumble.Saturday is coming & I feel the anxiety...

PS:THIS!

Pain of the Day

This morning I understood how much I put myself to the limits of my body yesterday.Super pain on my legs.A fire in my throat.Good!Fuck me.I lost another day.Why I can't understand when I have to stop?For me it's hard to understand this thing but the opposite too.What's my problem?No answers by nobody.Damn.I still try.I feel bad because I've got a lot to do.Stupid me.Outside is so humid.The laundry is still wet.Pain in th middle of the shoulders.I ate a sandwich with ceddar+hummus & tomatoes. I don't know how.My stomach hates me.A sort of punishment?No tea for me today.Damn,it's already so late?Stupid me.Uh,a good news.I'll be busy on Sat 29th at Barbican Centre.I'm happy but I can't stop to think that Iif it was payed it coud be better.I'm so tired to give my work for free.Better than nothing but...Watching Southpark for cheer me up.M. is back.We've dinner together.Yeah!For me rice mushrooms+cheese+tomatoes & dessert yogurt+peanut butter+cereal.She just white rice and carrots.While I waited the dinner was ready I felt cold.I guess the real cold is coming.Winter is coming.Finally I watch Benedict Cumberbatch's ALS ice bucket challenge.AHAHAHA!Ok,Walking Dead 5x07.Ok than the next week is the mid-season finale but this episode?Really?Nothing happens!Dear lord!Uh,hello Rick Grimes a.k.a the main caracter!The only cool thing is the fight between Daryl & the cop.That was cool but EEEEEWWWW! too.But,hey,they changed Daryl's shoes?& I KNEW that the end of this episode could let me with my jaw dropping.Damned!If the season finale will not leave me with nose bleeding I'll freak out!The fact that after we have to wait until FEBRUARY kills me!Now I feel tired but I know that,when I'll turn out the light,I can't be able to sleep.As always.Damn... 

Never-ending search of...

I wake up early today.Well,I could wake up earlier but ayway.Shower.Super hot.I really needed it.Wash away all the bad thoughts.I feel better.I really don't want to go out... it's Sunday!The sky tries to stop me vomiting litres & litres of water & my legs try to stop me too killing me every step but I MUST TO GO!The wind is so strong.I could fly away.Underground.Mile End to Camden (Reminder:Camden & not Campden).Wrong stop.Why dumbass?WHY?So many people.Even the rain can't sotp the turists.It will be a mission impossible.Share CVs like tey are flowers.No stop rain.My umbrella is dying.Mint candies.Camden Market.So many people.So many languages.Swimming in water & cacophony.UH,I almost bought a The Smiths' t-shirt!Sigh sigh,why I'm so poor?Amy Winehouse that make me sad there alone under the rain.They love her more now than when she was alive.I would to hug her but I know she isn't here anymore.Still walking.I'm so hungry but I have to continue to walk.No music.Just rain.UH!Daryl & Rick!JOY!The sky is getting darker.The winter is coming.I really can't walk anymore.My legs are killing me.Underground & music.I'm so tired but I have to go ot Tesco.Some stuff.Cereal,yogurt,bread,sandwich,cheese & rice.I count every pence.Now my arms are hurting too but I can''t take the bus.I spend so much with the underground & Tesco.So,let's walk!A little rain continues to fall.Sherlock brings me at home.I'm dead.My legs are exploding.I really need to rest.Just a half of hours.I promise...even if I know that in this way will be hard to fall to sleep.Lone dinner with basmati rice (with no salt),ceddar & mushrooms.M. arrives & I give her some basmati rice.Laundry.A lot of things to wash!Finally I watch Hellion.It was weeks that I had to watch it!!Aaron Paul is so good.He can't do & say more that BIATCH!I really loved him.I believe he will have a great career.Josh Wiggins will be a great actor.Juliette Lewis is amazing.I would ot be like her.I don't want to think to tomorrow.I'm finish the ideas.The last thing I can do is pray.

Try to not fall in pieces (again)

there was 2 days of destruction.Internal distruction because the body is in perfect shape (i guess).A storm of hopes & bad thoughts in my rib cage against my heart.It was so hard open the eyes & leave the bed.My body... forceless.Hopeless.Guardians of the Galaxy is a funny movie.Now I want a racoon with Bradley Cooper's voice!The OST is awesome.I admit that what happen after the trial hurted me but I understood is not personal.Nothing in Work World is personal.The people are just things to use.You can give everything but they can split you away when the taste is gone.The end of Olive Kitteridge made me cry so much but I did it in silence.I should know.Today I made a little step forward to return mentally in shape.I feel better but I have a lot to do.First thing:don't give up.Even if I continue to run in circle or even if my parents contnue to remind me how much in shit I am or how much sad is my diet.I have to.I feel cold.I feel alone.I cried when I saw my little Omarcita.I miss her.The end of Blackpool was bittersweet.I love David Morrissey.Even if he was The Governor.Even if give up seems so simple.I think to it everytime I cook.I don't want to be on the edge of the gorge again.I have to use my dreams like a hot blanket that saves me when I'm desperate.The important thing is survive.Or try to not fall in pieces.The wind here is very strong in this season.I could fly away & I could be forgotten in a blink of an eye.I really need to draw.REALLY.Tomorrow I'll was away all this pain & I'll return to run.Tomorrow.Even if it is Sunday.Everyday is like Sunday.

Thanks for Nothing

That was me this afternoon.I was smiling returning to home listening to Rufus Wainwright.My left shoulder hurt but I'm walking happly & smiling.Today was a sunny day in London & I was happy because it was my first day of trial & I felt like I could have a possibility.I felt like FINALLY something really important & good happened to me here in London.A chance for a start here.A way by god or similar to tell me to not give up that yes,shit continues to happen but,sometimes,something good could arrive to me too or that sometimes my efforts are not useless.I smiled after a very tough day of work where I did my best.Finally I could do SOMETHING that could keep me occupied & that could give me a reason to believe & hope.I felt good and nothing could change my mood.But the weather changed like my unchanbagle mood.Just few word arrived like a punch in my face.Like a cold water after a hot & bubbled bath.Like pieces of glass in a chocolate muffin.It was like a moment before I was eating an incredible ice cream & turned the corner someone rubbed me.I felt down.Almost litterally.It was hard.Unexpected.I feel so speechless now.M. says it happens.Yes,it happens but everytimes it hurts because... I can't explain with words but it fucking hurts.It's like you always run but when you're almost at the goal someone makes oust you & you fall down & break a tooth.Everytime you fall you break a tooth.Now I feel a gap-toothed.& the only thing that I've got now is a disturbing smell of Thai food on me & my clothes.I always feel like I'm wasting my energies for doing something that it doesn't be my responsibility.What I'mreally doing?Maybe I'm just sinking.The sky is dark now as I feel.Dark.Luckily there are some things that distract me by my failures like Sons of Anarchy or Reedus & his being Tonto.But I can't stop to think about today & about how much,for a second,I hoped in something.I lost energies (again) & I lost something that I can't have back.What I should think about Tomorrow?What I have to do?I know I have to prepare myself to return to the starting line & return to run.Again. 

The sound of Hope

A thing that I'm learning is that I shouldn't put too much hopes in the future.Yes,I have to hope in something good or in something in general but not too much because when something goes wrong it hurts because I hoped that something could change.There is a proverb or something like more you hopre & more you go high than it is more painful the fall.I can't remember where I heard that thing but it is pretty real.Unfortunately because hope should bring only positive things.Now,after the hard work of yesterday where my hopes has to take me up,something moves but... how I should feel?I should feel happy?I should feel nervous?I should feel grateful?I don't know.I just know I have to try to be enough distant to not feel bad if I screw up everything.The contact with the things is always bad.In the past I hoped so much...I fought so much but.. for what?What I've got?Everytime I stop to think about it I feel bad.Sorry.

This morning was tough to leave the bed but I did.I don't know how but I did.I ate the same old soup with mushrooms & I returned to search.I didn't go out.I didn't feel the air.I hope lil' Daryl is fine.Search & Try & Eat.Search & Try & Hope for something better.Eat for not feel the empty & Survive.I'm still thinking of the TWD's episode I saw yesterday.I was pretty cool.One of the best.A part of my mind loves to travel when I'm sending CVs.Just to not feel the weight of what I'm doing.Tea in the TARDIS.Two bags.M. is back from work.Finally we make a dinner together.I want to talk...I want to celebrate.But we just eat & chat.Noodles with different kind of beans & cheese.For break the cicle of the same old mushrooms soup.Dessert.The sound of the rain outside.I hope that tomorrow will be a sunny day.2 broke girls.Almost like us.First part of Olive  Kitteridge.It made me cry.The good things die fast.Tears.Sometimes I take it too personal.I finish my tea.I'm worried.

I Walked

Today I walked so much.In these days I walked so much.My father said that finally I move my fta ass.Now my legs are better.Even if they hurt the only thing that I can do is continue to walk because if I stop it will be the end.A way to not fall apart.I always wake up so late.Why I'm so lazy?Shower hoping that today will not rain.Today no cat hat.I feel naked.20 CVs.Now I'm ready.I walk with my hopes like a halo in my pretty dress to distribute my experiences hoping someone will call me back.Always with a fake smile on my face.With my Moleskine in my cold hands.The sun!Just for few minutes!Maybe it was an illusion.I'm at the middle of my day.I really need to eat something or I'll die.Itsu for the first time.I almost lost the 8 because I was talking about Reedus' shoes!Damned Reedus!Stupid Red Wing!Eating teriyaki salmon on 8 like I didn't eat for months while I'm going to Oxford Street.All this Christmas makes me sad.Where I will be at Christmas?How I'll feel?With who I will be?It rains a little.Fuck!The last stop at Office & Tiger.I'm so tired.I listen music & I think about tomorrow.Oh another lone dinner.Super creamy mushrooms soup.So,Walking Super Hype Dead 5x06 eating tortilla cheese chips with cheese & asomething sauce.Again this super dark scene?WHY?Again this no camera movement with the action that enters by the side after few seconds?But I admit that in this episodes there are some framing that I really loved.How is possible that I'm scared like the first time I saw that scene?I don't know if I understand less Carol or Daryl.It's a very hard fight but I love the dialogs & the silences between them.REEDUS STOP TO WHEEZE!So,TRYING.But WAIT they are running in circles!!Daryl is the king of the Unintentional Funny.Sorry Reedus.That fucking shithead!Carol doubts about Daryl's height & he takes it like a personal offense.How is possible that fter a fall like that Daryl is perfect & Carol is destroyed for 2?One of the moment when Daryl killed me.*melted*OH MY GOD!I KNEW THAT!In this moment I really see myslef in Daryl.SUPER HYPE AGAIN FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!Outside is so cold.Moz is my night mate.My left shoulder hurts.Tomorrow I really need to stop a moment.


PS: in 9 days I posted 4 photos of Daryl/Reedus.It's not good.