Good times for a change ((Day 02))

--My body is beginning to make some confusion between day & night.My body is hungry in crazy hours.This life style is messing me up but I have to resist.I slept so much!Actually not very much but it's fine.Maybe I'm turning in a bear.Yesterday night I drew (not enough) but the pens died all together!EMERGENCY!I made a plan for today even if the original plan was stay at home & draw all the time listen music.Probably my January 1st will be like this.I hope because I'm super late!I don't want to wake up!But I have.Damn!Finally I can use my new/old all star by M. that took them from china like 2 years ago!I love them ♥ Another day another bank.It seems it will be the right one.I hope it because I'm very sick of this shit!Fuck NYE!Another day another travel to Totteham Court Road.It was better than yesterday.Thank god.I forgot my gloves!I've got a plan for them.I feel like I'm flying with this shoes!They are so comfortable & light!Love love!Soho.Cass Art.A Reedus in my bag.A super cool sale on staedtler's set.I have to buy another set ASAP.It's too cool!There's no difference between the old pens & the new pens.Thank Moz!I'm so hungry!I'm looking for a new phone but automatically I check just Iphones.I'm guided again by DESIRE.Maybe it will be the right time.It's weird how the music I listen is so connected to what it happens to me.When I go to the bank Tricky begins to sing Hell is right behind the corner & when I think to change Morrissey sings Good times for a change.Weird.I ate a pack of chips by Tiger on the bus.I feel better.My phones is trying to make me hate it more than I already I do.I forgot to put the money on oyster card.Damn!I have to do it before work.I will be late for sure!Quick skype call with family.Technology hate us!I hate my phone!Super hot shower & red underwear (just in case).I feel better.Dinner with penne with super good mushrooms (SHITAKE),fake bacon (my landlord thought it was meat.He was worried & disgusted in the same time) & camembert.Super good.I want more!He is waiting.I'm coming.I feel so guilty.I'm sorry.The new pens are AWESOME!I hate I can't use the pencil.Tomorrow?Who knows!SURPRISE!

And I said 'sti cazzi! ((Day 01))

-Wake up in your tracks because you think you're late is BAD
-Run behind the buses with the wrong shoes is BAD
-Dress & make up in 5 minutes & have a biscuit as a breakfast is BAD
-Drink a double espresso is AWESOME
-I guess I'm dying... I'm a Walking Dead
-I'm feeling stupid for the 1000° times
-I eat the most good rice with tofu & vegetables on the Galaxy
-I'm very very tired of banks! (not Paul ♥)
-Too many people! where is my crossbow?
-Too many people that walk slooowly!! where is my crossbow??
-I thought Hell was Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park but I was wrong. HELL is at Primark during sales!
-GLOVES! 5£ instead 8£! JEGGINGS! 7£ instead 10£! I'M A PORACTHA!
-Too many things... no money... so depressing...
-HMV. I shouldn't enter... too many things. And after I SAW IT! IN SALE! WHAT I COULD DO? I should follow te heart or the brain? I need an advice! I wait, I wait to call M. with a tremendous doubt that is eating my brain: I should or not? Will I regret it? I'm Hermetic. Now she is accomplice! I return to home with a smile on my face. Poorest but happier.
-A very slow bus...
-A long chat on skype with parents an hour late. So many things to do. The plan to draw all day tomorrow is fucked... time is running out. Damn!
-Late dinner with veg meatballs+camembert sandwich (YUM!) & "fried" chips.
-So happy to see M. after 10 days!
-After JUST 2 years I've got my amazing black all star! YEAH! I think to Red Wing *inner tears*
-EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! Almost all my pens are dying! Tomorrow I have to go to Cass Art! (+bank+find a new & in sale phone)
-I'm beginning to feel the pression of the deadline
-Damn! It's so late! Goodnight Tom Waits!

Day 00

--After so much time I returned to draw.I really needed it.In my mind I felt this desire that pushed me but I couldn't do it.It wasn't the right time.Now I can have some moments to stop to think about all the bad things is happening.Work,banks,money,solitude.All is turned off when I take my 0,01.There is only me,him & the music.It is like return to my old room or meet an old friend.The best part of me.I can relax.Breathe.It doesn't matter how many mistakes I made at work,how much I felt disappointed when I didn't find what I was looking for or how much my hands are cold.Now in my litle white room I can drink my tea,listen to Charles Mingus & stop to think.There are only me & you that look at me... so close but in the same time so far.My head has some difficults now because it passed like 4 months by the last time.The things are hidden in a corner of my mind scared by the new reality but they will come out because here we act between friends.This is a safe place.Welcome!Tomorrow will be better.And more the day will pass & more it will be easy.Because this is me.Because I need it.Under your supervision I feel scared but in the same time protected.Soulmate.I wonder how could be if you were physically here.I can only imagine... It's almost time to go to sleep.Mingus is playing the last notes of Compositional Theme Story: Medleys, Anthems and Folklore & I'm feeling tired again.Tomorrow the reality will return more ferocious than today but I'll know you will be at home waiting for me for our time together.Just You & me.Goodnight.

"Should I?"

--Yesterday was the day of the "Should I?".There was so many things I would to do but that I didn't.Probably because I'm a coward.God hates cowards.I spend the night thinking about what I should do.The different scenarios... the different reactions.Maybe I could gain something good by these unrational actions or probably I could ruin EVERYTHING.I will never know.In the same time my racional mind put myself to research of a new photo for a new artwork.Even my racional mind understands that I NEED an escape from all this shit.The job,the shitty weather,the loneliness,the bank account problems & the fucking money.It is always hard to find something that makes me jump.Even if is Him.I made my choice.I miss the window.The animal inside of me wants to sleep for the winter but I can't.I eat 2 biscuits for breakfast.I remembered to throw away the mouldy tea.If I think to the horrible taste it had I could barf!I need 2 A3 for 2 photos in black & white.I go out the store with 3+4 wrong size photos of both the photos,2 in right size & 1 blank A3 paper that I don't know if I can use.I laughed.So,it's true that Reedus makes people stupid!I'm so hungry so I go to buy a bagel with salmon & cheese.I talk to Otto (yes,like the number) about italian old movie until my bagel is hot.I really needed it!The mission of "FIND A NORMAL A3 BLANK PAPER" is failed.I'm angry.But I bought a super expensive drying rack!I'm finally ready for the first laundry in the new home!It's so cold.I guess I have to buy a pair of gloves.I go to Tesco & I buy a lot of stuff & things.Eggs,camembert,mushrooms,candies,peanut butter,biscuits,apple juice,frozen chips,pasta & veg stuffs.I fail the mission of the 10£.Nobody obviously helps.So cold!!After laundry my room seems smaller but more scented.A new entry on my empty wall.Welcome!I LOVEIT!Technology problems.Fuck!I'm angry again.I'm frustratd!Nothing works as it should!The Veg Bacon is not the same!IS NOT THE FUCKING SAME!I watch Enemy with Jake Gyllehaal & at the end of the movie I felt like a super idiot.Tomorrow I MUST begin to draw.I'm already late!Tomorrow work...

Fuck Xmas!

--Every year my Xmas is worse than the one before.I always try to forget but the bad feelings remains like a bad taste on the tongue.This year I'm alone in London.Yes,LONDON but...no Xmas' tree,no great meals,no family or friends & no gifts.I didn't want to open my eyes today.I tried...I would to wake up tomorrow & don't have any memories of Xmas' day but I woke up.A bad day.The worst.I wonder how the other people lived this day.Maybe in the same way I dreamt to live it for many years.With joy & with the people I love in a hot atmosphere with food & all the other stuff & things.I never had all these things.I always suffered this lack.I feel bad that I didn't call my family.I should do that but I didn't.I felt sad.I put the blanket on my head.I tried to stop to think.Turn all off.I think to all the people that hate the great parent reunion meals or the decorations or the wrong & not perosnal gifts.What I could give to have all of these things?In exchange I could give my solitary meal with frozen 4 formaggi pizza & my Guinness.I'm scared to think to next year's Xmas.Maybe I will be under a bridge without anything.It could be looking to how bad are going my Xmas' days in these last years.Fortunately there was Doctor Who that cheered me up.Doctor Who-Last Christmas+Doctor Who-The time of the Doctor+Doctor Who-An adventure in space & time (thanx to M. & to the Rai4 streaming from Italy ♥).I really needed something that helps me to stop to think to my situation.Sorry Reedus.I should watch Moscow Chill today & search a photo for you but I didn't :( I'm feeling I'm super late & that I've not time.Tomorrow will be better.Maybe...no expectations. 

Before Christmas we make disastrous plans

--Here we go again in the mess of stuff & things that comes all together.Again when I started to complain about routine.It is like I complain that there's no clients & after 10 minutes arrives like 10 people all together.I must to learn how to stop to complain.I knew this morning that the absence of a window messes my sleep times & that I can prepare myself very very fast.Plus sometimes I believe in god because even if I'm late/bad mood he always cheer me up.Or maybe he cheers me up to prepare me for a very shitty thing that is coming.I arrived in time at work even if I woke up very late.I arrive at work walking Triumphal listening to Doctor Who Unknown Intro.After a boring day at work (no more curry please!) the bank is waiting.I feel so anxious!I hate banks (not Paul or Azealia of course).Obviously the things couldn't be easy as I would.Thank you god.Thanks for nothinga as usual.Tomorrow will be another Bank day.Uff.Super hate!Skype with dad & V. at Caffè Nero drinking a medium cold cappuccino.Reedus was listening.I'm scared!Super windy afternoon.I'll fly away!No traffic?Wow!Very weird messages but if they want to pay me I say WELCOME!Primark sucks my life & my self-esteem.I feel so depressed when I go to Primark.No right sizes or things that make me feel pretty.No fancy dresses.Why I continue to try with Primark?I should say Fuck off & go to H&M.I feel bad & I want to go home.I just want to turn my brain off.Sorry Forbidden Planet.The good thing is that now I've got a blanket,a RUN DMC's pj (the shorts seem a pair of boxer by a 13 boy, said by V.) , a lipstick that & a not even the holy water can clean away & black shirt that make me feel good because it is my actual right size.Yes,sometimes miracles happen.No food.I need to do some grocery shopping.Uff.Oh I guess my Xmas' day is ruined.Will Doctor Who will same my Xmas' day?I try to cheer me up with Christmas' special of Black Mirror.Oh,hello Jon Hamm!Super cool episode.I finished all tesco's toffee popcorn.I should go to sleep... 

The dark waters of Routine

--The routine is becoming real.It is surronding me like a straightjacket.I feel like I'm suffocating.I'm choking.The reality is chocking my soul.I'm becoming a robot but my soul resists & kicks me when i become too cold.When I begin to forget how to live.I need to remain myself.I don't want to be bad,angry & unpleasant.I want to be good.I want to be me.I don't want to change.I know we're talking to survive & there is't any other choice to do it but be an adult is hard.I need to have a way to vomit out what I feel.I need it or I'll explode.I already sacrifice a window & a big part of my free time for being adult.I need to make a new artwork.I PHYSICALLY need it.Or I'll die.6th january is coming so...he will come to save me (again).I'm creating a list.To not forget.The things that make me feel good & that make me smile feeling pure joy when I think to them.Actually they are not very much but the importance is not the number but the existence of them.Black mirror.02:51am.