Good times for a change ((Day 02))

--My body is beginning to make some confusion between day & night.My body is hungry in crazy hours.This life style is messing me up but I have to resist.I slept so much!Actually not very much but it's fine.Maybe I'm turning in a bear.Yesterday night I drew (not enough) but the pens died all together!EMERGENCY!I made a plan for today even if the original plan was stay at home & draw all the time listen music.Probably my January 1st will be like this.I hope because I'm super late!I don't want to wake up!But I have.Damn!Finally I can use my new/old all star by M. that took them from china like 2 years ago!I love them ♥ Another day another bank.It seems it will be the right one.I hope it because I'm very sick of this shit!Fuck NYE!Another day another travel to Totteham Court Road.It was better than yesterday.Thank god.I forgot my gloves!I've got a plan for them.I feel like I'm flying with this shoes!They are so comfortable & light!Love love!Soho.Cass Art.A Reedus in my bag.A super cool sale on staedtler's set.I have to buy another set ASAP.It's too cool!There's no difference between the old pens & the new pens.Thank Moz!I'm so hungry!I'm looking for a new phone but automatically I check just Iphones.I'm guided again by DESIRE.Maybe it will be the right time.It's weird how the music I listen is so connected to what it happens to me.When I go to the bank Tricky begins to sing Hell is right behind the corner & when I think to change Morrissey sings Good times for a change.Weird.I ate a pack of chips by Tiger on the bus.I feel better.My phones is trying to make me hate it more than I already I do.I forgot to put the money on oyster card.Damn!I have to do it before work.I will be late for sure!Quick skype call with family.Technology hate us!I hate my phone!Super hot shower & red underwear (just in case).I feel better.Dinner with penne with super good mushrooms (SHITAKE),fake bacon (my landlord thought it was meat.He was worried & disgusted in the same time) & camembert.Super good.I want more!He is waiting.I'm coming.I feel so guilty.I'm sorry.The new pens are AWESOME!I hate I can't use the pencil.Tomorrow?Who knows!SURPRISE!

And I said 'sti cazzi! ((Day 01))

-Wake up in your tracks because you think you're late is BAD
-Run behind the buses with the wrong shoes is BAD
-Dress & make up in 5 minutes & have a biscuit as a breakfast is BAD
-Drink a double espresso is AWESOME
-I guess I'm dying... I'm a Walking Dead
-I'm feeling stupid for the 1000° times
-I eat the most good rice with tofu & vegetables on the Galaxy
-I'm very very tired of banks! (not Paul ♥)
-Too many people! where is my crossbow?
-Too many people that walk slooowly!! where is my crossbow??
-I thought Hell was Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park but I was wrong. HELL is at Primark during sales!
-GLOVES! 5£ instead 8£! JEGGINGS! 7£ instead 10£! I'M A PORACTHA!
-Too many things... no money... so depressing...
-HMV. I shouldn't enter... too many things. And after I SAW IT! IN SALE! WHAT I COULD DO? I should follow te heart or the brain? I need an advice! I wait, I wait to call M. with a tremendous doubt that is eating my brain: I should or not? Will I regret it? I'm Hermetic. Now she is accomplice! I return to home with a smile on my face. Poorest but happier.
-A very slow bus...
-A long chat on skype with parents an hour late. So many things to do. The plan to draw all day tomorrow is fucked... time is running out. Damn!
-Late dinner with veg meatballs+camembert sandwich (YUM!) & "fried" chips.
-So happy to see M. after 10 days!
-After JUST 2 years I've got my amazing black all star! YEAH! I think to Red Wing *inner tears*
-EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! Almost all my pens are dying! Tomorrow I have to go to Cass Art! (+bank+find a new & in sale phone)
-I'm beginning to feel the pression of the deadline
-Damn! It's so late! Goodnight Tom Waits!

Day 00

--After so much time I returned to draw.I really needed it.In my mind I felt this desire that pushed me but I couldn't do it.It wasn't the right time.Now I can have some moments to stop to think about all the bad things is happening.Work,banks,money,solitude.All is turned off when I take my 0,01.There is only me,him & the music.It is like return to my old room or meet an old friend.The best part of me.I can relax.Breathe.It doesn't matter how many mistakes I made at work,how much I felt disappointed when I didn't find what I was looking for or how much my hands are cold.Now in my litle white room I can drink my tea,listen to Charles Mingus & stop to think.There are only me & you that look at me... so close but in the same time so far.My head has some difficults now because it passed like 4 months by the last time.The things are hidden in a corner of my mind scared by the new reality but they will come out because here we act between friends.This is a safe place.Welcome!Tomorrow will be better.And more the day will pass & more it will be easy.Because this is me.Because I need it.Under your supervision I feel scared but in the same time protected.Soulmate.I wonder how could be if you were physically here.I can only imagine... It's almost time to go to sleep.Mingus is playing the last notes of Compositional Theme Story: Medleys, Anthems and Folklore & I'm feeling tired again.Tomorrow the reality will return more ferocious than today but I'll know you will be at home waiting for me for our time together.Just You & me.Goodnight.

"Should I?"

--Yesterday was the day of the "Should I?".There was so many things I would to do but that I didn't.Probably because I'm a coward.God hates cowards.I spend the night thinking about what I should do.The different scenarios... the different reactions.Maybe I could gain something good by these unrational actions or probably I could ruin EVERYTHING.I will never know.In the same time my racional mind put myself to research of a new photo for a new artwork.Even my racional mind understands that I NEED an escape from all this shit.The job,the shitty weather,the loneliness,the bank account problems & the fucking money.It is always hard to find something that makes me jump.Even if is Him.I made my choice.I miss the window.The animal inside of me wants to sleep for the winter but I can't.I eat 2 biscuits for breakfast.I remembered to throw away the mouldy tea.If I think to the horrible taste it had I could barf!I need 2 A3 for 2 photos in black & white.I go out the store with 3+4 wrong size photos of both the photos,2 in right size & 1 blank A3 paper that I don't know if I can use.I laughed.So,it's true that Reedus makes people stupid!I'm so hungry so I go to buy a bagel with salmon & cheese.I talk to Otto (yes,like the number) about italian old movie until my bagel is hot.I really needed it!The mission of "FIND A NORMAL A3 BLANK PAPER" is failed.I'm angry.But I bought a super expensive drying rack!I'm finally ready for the first laundry in the new home!It's so cold.I guess I have to buy a pair of gloves.I go to Tesco & I buy a lot of stuff & things.Eggs,camembert,mushrooms,candies,peanut butter,biscuits,apple juice,frozen chips,pasta & veg stuffs.I fail the mission of the 10£.Nobody obviously helps.So cold!!After laundry my room seems smaller but more scented.A new entry on my empty wall.Welcome!I LOVEIT!Technology problems.Fuck!I'm angry again.I'm frustratd!Nothing works as it should!The Veg Bacon is not the same!IS NOT THE FUCKING SAME!I watch Enemy with Jake Gyllehaal & at the end of the movie I felt like a super idiot.Tomorrow I MUST begin to draw.I'm already late!Tomorrow work...

Fuck Xmas!

--Every year my Xmas is worse than the one before.I always try to forget but the bad feelings remains like a bad taste on the tongue.This year I'm alone in London.Yes,LONDON but...no Xmas' tree,no great meals,no family or friends & no gifts.I didn't want to open my eyes today.I tried...I would to wake up tomorrow & don't have any memories of Xmas' day but I woke up.A bad day.The worst.I wonder how the other people lived this day.Maybe in the same way I dreamt to live it for many years.With joy & with the people I love in a hot atmosphere with food & all the other stuff & things.I never had all these things.I always suffered this lack.I feel bad that I didn't call my family.I should do that but I didn't.I felt sad.I put the blanket on my head.I tried to stop to think.Turn all off.I think to all the people that hate the great parent reunion meals or the decorations or the wrong & not perosnal gifts.What I could give to have all of these things?In exchange I could give my solitary meal with frozen 4 formaggi pizza & my Guinness.I'm scared to think to next year's Xmas.Maybe I will be under a bridge without anything.It could be looking to how bad are going my Xmas' days in these last years.Fortunately there was Doctor Who that cheered me up.Doctor Who-Last Christmas+Doctor Who-The time of the Doctor+Doctor Who-An adventure in space & time (thanx to M. & to the Rai4 streaming from Italy ♥).I really needed something that helps me to stop to think to my situation.Sorry Reedus.I should watch Moscow Chill today & search a photo for you but I didn't :( I'm feeling I'm super late & that I've not time.Tomorrow will be better.Maybe...no expectations. 

Before Christmas we make disastrous plans

--Here we go again in the mess of stuff & things that comes all together.Again when I started to complain about routine.It is like I complain that there's no clients & after 10 minutes arrives like 10 people all together.I must to learn how to stop to complain.I knew this morning that the absence of a window messes my sleep times & that I can prepare myself very very fast.Plus sometimes I believe in god because even if I'm late/bad mood he always cheer me up.Or maybe he cheers me up to prepare me for a very shitty thing that is coming.I arrived in time at work even if I woke up very late.I arrive at work walking Triumphal listening to Doctor Who Unknown Intro.After a boring day at work (no more curry please!) the bank is waiting.I feel so anxious!I hate banks (not Paul or Azealia of course).Obviously the things couldn't be easy as I would.Thank you god.Thanks for nothinga as usual.Tomorrow will be another Bank day.Uff.Super hate!Skype with dad & V. at Caffè Nero drinking a medium cold cappuccino.Reedus was listening.I'm scared!Super windy afternoon.I'll fly away!No traffic?Wow!Very weird messages but if they want to pay me I say WELCOME!Primark sucks my life & my self-esteem.I feel so depressed when I go to Primark.No right sizes or things that make me feel pretty.No fancy dresses.Why I continue to try with Primark?I should say Fuck off & go to H&M.I feel bad & I want to go home.I just want to turn my brain off.Sorry Forbidden Planet.The good thing is that now I've got a blanket,a RUN DMC's pj (the shorts seem a pair of boxer by a 13 boy, said by V.) , a lipstick that & a not even the holy water can clean away & black shirt that make me feel good because it is my actual right size.Yes,sometimes miracles happen.No food.I need to do some grocery shopping.Uff.Oh I guess my Xmas' day is ruined.Will Doctor Who will same my Xmas' day?I try to cheer me up with Christmas' special of Black Mirror.Oh,hello Jon Hamm!Super cool episode.I finished all tesco's toffee popcorn.I should go to sleep... 

The dark waters of Routine

--The routine is becoming real.It is surronding me like a straightjacket.I feel like I'm suffocating.I'm choking.The reality is chocking my soul.I'm becoming a robot but my soul resists & kicks me when i become too cold.When I begin to forget how to live.I need to remain myself.I don't want to be bad,angry & unpleasant.I want to be good.I want to be me.I don't want to change.I know we're talking to survive & there is't any other choice to do it but be an adult is hard.I need to have a way to vomit out what I feel.I need it or I'll explode.I already sacrifice a window & a big part of my free time for being adult.I need to make a new artwork.I PHYSICALLY need it.Or I'll die.6th january is coming so...he will come to save me (again).I'm creating a list.To not forget.The things that make me feel good & that make me smile feeling pure joy when I think to them.Actually they are not very much but the importance is not the number but the existence of them.Black mirror.02:51am. 

One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell

--A mix of feelings today.Some of them I just couldn't control them.Sadness when I took
all my things by M.'s room.Like I knew I will never see her again.Emptiness.Like I was leaving forever that place & a part of me in it.After all this months there I began to love it.I guess I could feel like this if I had to leave UK.Probably worse...I think it was just a taste of the sadness I could feel.Pack all the things you have gives to you exactly the idea about what do you have,what you flet behind & what you don't need anymore.Say goodbye is always hard.Even it is more like a bye bye.You don't know what could happen tomorrow.Heavy suitcases full of stuff & things under a gry sky.A great joy when I realize I was going Home.A place that was really mine.A place just for me.I almost cried when I realized it.I would to smile to everybody & say loud "I live here!" but the english man inside me said NOU.My new little,white & empty room. A new beginning.The stability is here.For some weeks.We'll see.But for now where happy.A job,a room.Almost a bank account.We are almost 100%.Finally.I just need some clothes or Winter will kill me.Last night I almost vomitd my lungs.So painful.This morning I was a background actress of Walking Dead.First grocery shopping for the new room.Tomatoes,peanut butter,olive oil,bread,candies against cough,biscuits & tangerines.Now I need a blanket & detergent for clothes.Big troubles with skype.Why I don't have an Ipad or an Iphone or justa a new computer?Uff.Technology will kill me.First super hot shower in the new place.I really needed it.I washed all bad things away (without my sponge beacuse I forgot it.I MUST forgot something.I knew that...).A little sadness while I eat my late first dinner in the new place.I ate alone in my room.The last supper in the M.'s place was rice with vegetables.Alone but M. was there.I could talk to her.I probably have to get used to not have her to talk with.Here I eat pasta with tomatoes & Camembert.No more fish for me at home.It isn't allowed in this house.I'll miss my hot salmon+cheese with pepper & butter sandwich.I watch first episode of Black Mirror.It was a weird story.Tomorrow M.'s returns in Italy for Xmas.Sigh.She will bring me the old All Star she brought me by China.Yeah!Tomorrow work+bank.Pray for me.I need to sleep.

So... that's it.

--Today was the first day off of my life.And I passed that at bed coughing out my lungs hoping to die.I really needed a day off for rest.My body & my head.Too much stuff & things.In every sense.A heavy sleep.Finally.I'm still worried about all the things I have to do but I forgot that for some hours.I woke up with a bad taste in my mounth.Thank you mint candies!Heavy head.Nice light outside.I will not have that in the new room but whatever.There is the wardrobe & wifi!Nobody begin by buckingham palace right?Step by step.I have always to remember it.To myself & to all the other people.I don't want to wake up but I have to.Jeans up of my pijiamas.I went outside when the sky became dark.So cold.I should take the other scarf.Stupid bitch!Walk walk walk.Against the tideReturn back making counts.I hate so much numers,money & banks!I love Michael Fassbender's voice...& he is so close!!I still can't believe it.Thank you Wikipedia!Hot tea with sugar for me.Just in time to go back again.This time with napkins & mint candies.So... that's it.(even if it isn't definitive.Nothing will be definitive.There's always something better, something bigger, something different or somethings special.Change is everything).Wednsday is the day.I feel scarried & happy.I'm thinking about the mess I'll make to move all my stuff & things.It seems all so nice...I need to be focused to the positive side.I have to stop to be so suspious.Not so much!Walking Dead on a BIG SCREEN & Daryl's super sad expression on a BIG SCREEN.Oh,kill me!Back to home.Dinner.The last time I can cook meat/fish.FINALLY I can watch the Serie Finale eating biscuits & peanut butter.I'm so sad :( I cried so much.One of my favourite show is ended.Sigh sigh.I feel cold.Tommorrow:work.I'm ok :)

PS:Do you will miss me?

Physically Destroyed but Fine

(I bought this book on Oct 28th 2013 in Italy at Hoepli in Milan. It was 12,40€. This book is one of the things that I didn't want to leave in Italy. I would have it near me here in UK. Today, Dec 12th 2014 I'm reading the last page. I loved every word of it. Morrissey is my soulmate.)

These days are shaping me. I have to be patient.I have to put my head down & keep going. I know I'm missing a lot of stuff but I have to. My heart feels detroyed as my soul but I have to survive. I can have/do some things that I really need. Sometimes frustation knocks to my door but I'm busy. The things will be better. I know.

I cough. A lot. Like I have to split away something by my chest. It's so cold. I always walk alone. Unafraid. With my music & the wind. I need gloves. I want to eat but I feel full in the same time. I feel that my legs are falling apart. My heart breaks everytime I see a little dog. I miss my little Omarcita. I try to stop the tears. Maybe she didn't even noticed that I'm gone. I feel nostalgic & alone. I hope that when I'll find my room it will not get worse. I NEED someone near me. "I am human and I need to be loved". Moz Docet. I feel cold. I'm tired. But I feel ok. A new book is beginning...



PS: now I really really want Red Wing's Moc Toe! How weird is life...
PPS: I missed the 12/12. The last of the year. Sigh...

It's already come the time to celebrate?

So so so... maybe the things are going in the right way!Finally.Sometimes efforts are repayed.First day at job.Sunny day.I was so nervous this morning.So many Stuff & thAngs in my mind.So many feelings.So much wind on my face.So much music in my ears.But I know I can do it.I MUST DO IT!To survive.To live.I feel alive.To built something by nothing.It's already come the time to celebrate?Christmas is already here?I don't know but I feel good.I can walk without one piece of worries by my shoulders.I can't really explain how I feel because sometimes words can't really explain HOW I feel & probably nobody felt exactly how I'm feeling now.Nobody can feel EXACTLY like another person.I know I know it could seems a big deal what I'm doing... someone could say that I deserve better but,for now,I feel good.I'm not wearing my Victory smile but I know I will because the things are moving in the right way.One thing is "done".The first step is done.The stomach is full.The head is a little bit lighter.The soul is recovering.The eyes are finally dry.Now I can think only about a)FIND A ROOM & b)buy a fucking pair of Red Wing.There are something that makes me sad like not return to italy for Christmas or leave this amazing room but everything I will survive.No one of these things it is permanent.I have to say Fuck ya! to the bad thoughts because the first step is done.Tomorrow will be less tough of yesterday.Tomorrow I'll become more stronger than one month ago.Before some pages of Moz (that probably after today he could hate me...sorry Moz).I will go to sleep & I know I will fall asleep quickly because I know I did my duties todays.No regrets.& tomorrow I'll wake up with hope.

Thank you.

--The sky was light blue this morning.I slept good even if I knew that today would be a very tough day.A day I had to give everything to succeed.I must not be myself today.I have to be the better version of me.I wake up tense.The anxiety on my shoulders.This weight kills me.I know nothing will be easy.My tongue still burns.The blanket is too much hot.I don't want to leave it.All black like a black cat as I am.Finally NIN is arrived!We almost call it!I ate fast breakfast.It's not late but I feel like I have to run.As Paul Banks says "Only if you run" or like Pink Floyd say "Always on the run".The traffic is insane.I'm exploding inside.I'm more tense now.I run even if my knees remain slow.I listen the music that carries me & gives me the rhytmn.The wind slaps my face.I pray to the appearence of the Tardis.Why scientistsstill didn't create something like The Tardis or the Teletransport?I'm very near now.I can slow down.I can breathe normally.I like it.I really do.A lot of things to remember but I feel good.Finally I'm doing something!I'm moving!Rice with sautéed veggie & salmon for lunch.Thank you.Wed at 11.30am.I'll be ready.I think it is the right moment & the right thing.I'm scared to hope.Outside is so cold.Waiting waiting waiting.Walking walking walking.A bagel salmon & cheese for me.It is a cheap drug... like bacon.The shop that sells Red Wing's shoes.The smell of the shoes arrives to my nose & I feel lull in paradise.I drool all over the shop window.One of the object after job+house is a pair of Red Wing.I SWEAR!Rough Trade.I study every single cd/vinyl in the shop.I would work in this shop.5£ on oyster card.I shoudl buy stuff & things at Tesco.Maybe tomorrow.I walk against the wind to the Flat 3.It could be amazing to find the house too.It is in a very good place.Almost good price.It could be perfect.I arrive early so I wait.It's so cold.I'm scared I could be sick tomorrow.I can't feel my hands.After 20 minutes I just want to go away.My phone is dying.5%.Finally I see the room.It's so small.This flat is bigger on outside!A bed,a table & a window.No wardrobe.Nothing.I'm doubtful.So I take the bus with my doubtful frozen heart in my hands.I can't feel my fingers.Sherlock walks with me.M. is at home.She is doubtful too.I write these one good news & half to my family.I hope my dad will help me to decide.Dinner with brie bites & salad.No Walking Dead today.Sigh.I watch Hunger with Michael Fassbender.It killed me.A MUST SEE.Tomorrow:REST. 

Days

There was full/empty days.Days where I was so anxiuos that I just want to give up everything.Days where I felt full of hope but empty inside.Days where I gave everything.Days where I felt invisible.Days where I sleep trying to not suffocate.Days where I hold back the tears & the vomit.Days of Hope.Days of Hate.Days of tea smell on me,a fake smile on my face & frozen feet.Days where I gain 279,50£ & when I knew that the only thing I could think was "Like a pair of Red Wing!".Days where I cried so much... thinking that it was all useless & reading words that my father didn't said to me in person but that I really really needed to hear thousand of times.Days where I felt a stranger;& I'm still feeling like that.Days where I felt bad & bored to talk always about the same fucking shit;like I didn't have enough to talk about my anxieties.Days of sun & rain.Days where I asked to myself WHEN the things will finally take the right road?How soon is now?Where is Home?Days where The winter is coming.Days where I thought about all the things that I left in Italy... maybe I had more things than I thought.Days where the wind almost took me away.Days where finally I ate fruit & that I felt the good taste of it.Days where the sleep seemed so deep like a coma.Days of infinite waiting;there will be some like this right?I still wait.Days when I almost met Bjork.Days of just too much.Days of counting every pence.Days where I regret everything.The Un-Do.The I-Should-Do-It.Days of extremely loneliness with a huge desire of a simple human contact.Days where I saw things that helped me  not think.Nightcrawler.The Escape Artist.Horns.Days of Dreams.Days where I felt so lonely.Tomorrow will be tough.I feel the weight of the opportunity.It MUST be good.I MUST succeed.All in black I'll suceed because I MUST or... 

I can't breathe

This morning I just want to die.I can't breathe & I know that when I'll open my eyes I'll be projected in the reality again with all the anxiety that are quickly eating my hopes in the future.I feel so tired of everything.I want to cry.It is a thing that I'm doing too often in these days.Even now I feel like I can fall apart in a second if I don't control my thoughts.It's not good.I wake up.Slowly.Forceless.Breathless.I'm late.No very special clothes.I regret I left a lot of stuff in Italy.Stuff that I needed here.Stupid me.Red lips.Almost finished.Damn.Wrong way & wrong bus (thank you old bitch!).There is the sun.I'm blind.Flat 1 is in Hackney.It is beautiful & cheap BUT I have to say NEXT.Too creepy situation.It was TOO PERFECT.I run away from Flat 1 & a bad news arrives:Flat 2 was taken.Damn it!I swallow Oreos.I didn't have breakfast this morning because I was late.I'm back to home.Thank you.A hot tea for me.I needed it!Pain everywhere but, at least,  the "danger" is gone.I will never do it again with anyone.Super cold windy day again.I need gloves!I move my ass early to meet Federica.1 hour for Totteham Court.5pp.The wrong  Primark!It's raining!REALLY?I'm so sick to talk about money-looking for a job-looking for a room.Where is my Double Daker for Hell?Pickled veg & egg Noodles again.They will be my dinner too.A super fatty Praline Latte by Caffè Nero looking for wi-fi & a socket.How you can drink caffè americano??A Red Bean Bun for my exploding stomach.I'm guilty.I'm returning "home".I feel like a stranger now.Everywhere.It's raining again.I'm raining inside myself.M. is going out for Staff Party.Alone again.I eat the lunch left-over noodles for dinner.They are still good.Dessert.Today I ate so much!I'm disgusted.I watch Sons of Anarchy 7x12.A super shocking episode.I cried & my jaw dropped several times.Next week it will End.It will be a shock.For a moment I feel hopeless.I think about how much I felt good here in London & how much I'm desperate & alone.What's changed? Only the location.For a moment I thought to give up... for the million time.


Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my lifevLet me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time.
Songwriters: MARR, JOHNNY / MORRISSEY, STEVEN PATRICK

Le vent nous portera

(ops, wrong photo XD)

I took cold.Etciù!This morning I was a zombie in Walking Dead's style.I feel the fever.I can't breathe.I tried to recompose myself but I was weak.I just want to laid done & DIE.Only around 11am I left the bed.A lot of hopes.I prepare myself.It's so cold outside! but I have to go!I walk to praying the interview will be good.I NEED it (a.k.a it will be like SHIT but I hoped).Bethnal Green.10£ in the oyster card.10£ in coins.REALLY?Brick Lane.So,you just give me hope for a day & now you are just destroying it?Thank you.Sparks has the most nice sales assistents in the universe <3 The Ten Bells & Sushi restaurant.I feel my mood falling very low in very quickly way.So much wind today.I think I could fly away!Shoredicth.Pod.I felt guilty but better.Back to Brick Lane.No,back to "home" in a bus full of screaming kids & it's raining!Goddamnit!!I feel embarassed.How to Disappear Completely.I walk away from the situation returning to find a room.I feel anxious...I feel like I could just give up everything,go outside,buy a Red Wing's shoes & after an amazing Poppies' dish+wasabi's dish I could jump by London Bridge.I answer to my dad's email.I cry.Pasta mushrooms+hummus+cheese.I don't feel good.Stress is killing me.Tomorrow:go to Hackney for Flat 1,Covent Garden for Caffè Nero.Thu:interview.Friday:Yumchaa's Trial @Camden Lock.No,change of plans.Wed:visit flat 1 in Hackney(little scared about it)+visit flat 2 at Bow+whitechapel gallery with Federica.I'm running... I've got shortness of breath.


Hello hello, these are the photos that I took at Julia Holter's show at Barbican Centre a couple of days ago. Barbican Centre is an incredible place. Inside there with the orchestra Julia's music took a new & fresh shape. So incredible!
http://www.ocanerarock.com/gallery/julia-holter-stargaze/

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Too much ups not too much up & too much deep downs.When I smile there is always something that brings me to hard & cold reality.When I go wrong there is always something that beats me harder than I find myself in the Hell trembling & trying to not do stupid things without anyone can help me.I can enjoy the good taste of little things for little seconds than the bad taste of blood & shit comes in a millisecond after.& only one bad thing arrives & hit but 1000 all together.I'm scared.I feel like I'm choking in the mud.No easy things for me.Never.I try to not enjoy too much anything even if I should because when you receive something good you should have the possibility to enjoy it.Especially if you worked hard to reach it.Yesterday I talked to my parents.It makes me feel strange but good to have them on my back.My father was sad that probably I'll not return to home on Xmas.I'm sad too.I passed the night try to find a way to go anyway.Another insomnia night.Today I felt hope again.After 3 days where I get what I deserve,where I just realized that I continue to make the same shitty mistakes,where I laughed,where I lost Moz's show for the billion time,where I understood that THAT thing is not for me...too phisical...to animal-like...too repetitive & boring...I will never do it again,where I ran in the night with my blood on my hands super shocked & in paranoia,where I had a photo challenge in one of the best venue ever,bad moments,super bad news... a little light turned up.There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.I'll do my best, I MUST HAVE THIS JOB!I MUST!The things could finally begin to work... I could feel better.Foe a while.Super cold today.I guess I have cold now.I still walk.Trembling.Looking for some job vacancies.Covent Garden.I have to return on Wed.Uff.I'm worried.I can't stop to think about my worries.I ate super insidious spicy noodles.Take away.Xmas is coming.Smile & take a CV!Carnaby Street.I need to take the bus.It is so cold.They may have my number of Red Wing's shoes.THE ETERNAL SHOES!They cost very much but theyare ETERNAL!Dream dream dream.It will be a hard week.I need to be prepared.60£.I return at home a.k.a a place that now begins to be hostile.I feel cold.Etciù.Walking dead midseason finale was shocking.At the beginning slowly but after there was in the air the big SHOCK and than it arrived.At the begin my jaw falled after I was a little happy.Finally I can say goodbye to her useless & pathetic caracther!Yeah!But...Poor Daryl.So,now we have to wait until February?FEBRUARY?FUCK!Sorethroat.Hungry.It's so cold.Now back to the reality.Sigh.Breathe slowly & don't give up.