Good times for a change ((Day 02))

--My body is beginning to make some confusion between day & night.My body is hungry in crazy hours.This life style is messing me up but I have to resist.I slept so much!Actually not very much but it's fine.Maybe I'm turning in a bear.Yesterday night I drew (not enough) but the pens died all together!EMERGENCY!I made a plan for today even if the original plan was stay at home & draw all the time listen music.Probably my January 1st will be like this.I hope because I'm super late!I don't want to wake up!But I have.Damn!Finally I can use my new/old all star by M. that took them from china like 2 years ago!I love them ♥ Another day another bank.It seems it will be the right one.I hope it because I'm very sick of this shit!Fuck NYE!Another day another travel to Totteham Court Road.It was better than yesterday.Thank god.I forgot my gloves!I've got a plan for them.I feel like I'm flying with this shoes!They are so comfortable & light!Love love!Soho.Cass Art.A Reedus in my bag.A super cool sale on staedtler's set.I have to buy another set ASAP.It's too cool!There's no difference between the old pens & the new pens.Thank Moz!I'm so hungry!I'm looking for a new phone but automatically I check just Iphones.I'm guided again by DESIRE.Maybe it will be the right time.It's weird how the music I listen is so connected to what it happens to me.When I go to the bank Tricky begins to sing Hell is right behind the corner & when I think to change Morrissey sings Good times for a change.Weird.I ate a pack of chips by Tiger on the bus.I feel better.My phones is trying to make me hate it more than I already I do.I forgot to put the money on oyster card.Damn!I have to do it before work.I will be late for sure!Quick skype call with family.Technology hate us!I hate my phone!Super hot shower & red underwear (just in case).I feel better.Dinner with penne with super good mushrooms (SHITAKE),fake bacon (my landlord thought it was meat.He was worried & disgusted in the same time) & camembert.Super good.I want more!He is waiting.I'm coming.I feel so guilty.I'm sorry.The new pens are AWESOME!I hate I can't use the pencil.Tomorrow?Who knows!SURPRISE!

And I said 'sti cazzi! ((Day 01))

-Wake up in your tracks because you think you're late is BAD
-Run behind the buses with the wrong shoes is BAD
-Dress & make up in 5 minutes & have a biscuit as a breakfast is BAD
-Drink a double espresso is AWESOME
-I guess I'm dying... I'm a Walking Dead
-I'm feeling stupid for the 1000° times
-I eat the most good rice with tofu & vegetables on the Galaxy
-I'm very very tired of banks! (not Paul ♥)
-Too many people! where is my crossbow?
-Too many people that walk slooowly!! where is my crossbow??
-I thought Hell was Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park but I was wrong. HELL is at Primark during sales!
-GLOVES! 5£ instead 8£! JEGGINGS! 7£ instead 10£! I'M A PORACTHA!
-Too many things... no money... so depressing...
-HMV. I shouldn't enter... too many things. And after I SAW IT! IN SALE! WHAT I COULD DO? I should follow te heart or the brain? I need an advice! I wait, I wait to call M. with a tremendous doubt that is eating my brain: I should or not? Will I regret it? I'm Hermetic. Now she is accomplice! I return to home with a smile on my face. Poorest but happier.
-A very slow bus...
-A long chat on skype with parents an hour late. So many things to do. The plan to draw all day tomorrow is fucked... time is running out. Damn!
-Late dinner with veg meatballs+camembert sandwich (YUM!) & "fried" chips.
-So happy to see M. after 10 days!
-After JUST 2 years I've got my amazing black all star! YEAH! I think to Red Wing *inner tears*
-EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! Almost all my pens are dying! Tomorrow I have to go to Cass Art! (+bank+find a new & in sale phone)
-I'm beginning to feel the pression of the deadline
-Damn! It's so late! Goodnight Tom Waits!

Day 00

--After so much time I returned to draw.I really needed it.In my mind I felt this desire that pushed me but I couldn't do it.It wasn't the right time.Now I can have some moments to stop to think about all the bad things is happening.Work,banks,money,solitude.All is turned off when I take my 0,01.There is only me,him & the music.It is like return to my old room or meet an old friend.The best part of me.I can relax.Breathe.It doesn't matter how many mistakes I made at work,how much I felt disappointed when I didn't find what I was looking for or how much my hands are cold.Now in my litle white room I can drink my tea,listen to Charles Mingus & stop to think.There are only me & you that look at me... so close but in the same time so far.My head has some difficults now because it passed like 4 months by the last time.The things are hidden in a corner of my mind scared by the new reality but they will come out because here we act between friends.This is a safe place.Welcome!Tomorrow will be better.And more the day will pass & more it will be easy.Because this is me.Because I need it.Under your supervision I feel scared but in the same time protected.Soulmate.I wonder how could be if you were physically here.I can only imagine... It's almost time to go to sleep.Mingus is playing the last notes of Compositional Theme Story: Medleys, Anthems and Folklore & I'm feeling tired again.Tomorrow the reality will return more ferocious than today but I'll know you will be at home waiting for me for our time together.Just You & me.Goodnight.

"Should I?"

--Yesterday was the day of the "Should I?".There was so many things I would to do but that I didn't.Probably because I'm a coward.God hates cowards.I spend the night thinking about what I should do.The different scenarios... the different reactions.Maybe I could gain something good by these unrational actions or probably I could ruin EVERYTHING.I will never know.In the same time my racional mind put myself to research of a new photo for a new artwork.Even my racional mind understands that I NEED an escape from all this shit.The job,the shitty weather,the loneliness,the bank account problems & the fucking money.It is always hard to find something that makes me jump.Even if is Him.I made my choice.I miss the window.The animal inside of me wants to sleep for the winter but I can't.I eat 2 biscuits for breakfast.I remembered to throw away the mouldy tea.If I think to the horrible taste it had I could barf!I need 2 A3 for 2 photos in black & white.I go out the store with 3+4 wrong size photos of both the photos,2 in right size & 1 blank A3 paper that I don't know if I can use.I laughed.So,it's true that Reedus makes people stupid!I'm so hungry so I go to buy a bagel with salmon & cheese.I talk to Otto (yes,like the number) about italian old movie until my bagel is hot.I really needed it!The mission of "FIND A NORMAL A3 BLANK PAPER" is failed.I'm angry.But I bought a super expensive drying rack!I'm finally ready for the first laundry in the new home!It's so cold.I guess I have to buy a pair of gloves.I go to Tesco & I buy a lot of stuff & things.Eggs,camembert,mushrooms,candies,peanut butter,biscuits,apple juice,frozen chips,pasta & veg stuffs.I fail the mission of the 10£.Nobody obviously helps.So cold!!After laundry my room seems smaller but more scented.A new entry on my empty wall.Welcome!I LOVEIT!Technology problems.Fuck!I'm angry again.I'm frustratd!Nothing works as it should!The Veg Bacon is not the same!IS NOT THE FUCKING SAME!I watch Enemy with Jake Gyllehaal & at the end of the movie I felt like a super idiot.Tomorrow I MUST begin to draw.I'm already late!Tomorrow work...

Fuck Xmas!

--Every year my Xmas is worse than the one before.I always try to forget but the bad feelings remains like a bad taste on the tongue.This year I'm alone in London.Yes,LONDON but...no Xmas' tree,no great meals,no family or friends & no gifts.I didn't want to open my eyes today.I tried...I would to wake up tomorrow & don't have any memories of Xmas' day but I woke up.A bad day.The worst.I wonder how the other people lived this day.Maybe in the same way I dreamt to live it for many years.With joy & with the people I love in a hot atmosphere with food & all the other stuff & things.I never had all these things.I always suffered this lack.I feel bad that I didn't call my family.I should do that but I didn't.I felt sad.I put the blanket on my head.I tried to stop to think.Turn all off.I think to all the people that hate the great parent reunion meals or the decorations or the wrong & not perosnal gifts.What I could give to have all of these things?In exchange I could give my solitary meal with frozen 4 formaggi pizza & my Guinness.I'm scared to think to next year's Xmas.Maybe I will be under a bridge without anything.It could be looking to how bad are going my Xmas' days in these last years.Fortunately there was Doctor Who that cheered me up.Doctor Who-Last Christmas+Doctor Who-The time of the Doctor+Doctor Who-An adventure in space & time (thanx to M. & to the Rai4 streaming from Italy ♥).I really needed something that helps me to stop to think to my situation.Sorry Reedus.I should watch Moscow Chill today & search a photo for you but I didn't :( I'm feeling I'm super late & that I've not time.Tomorrow will be better.Maybe...no expectations. 

Before Christmas we make disastrous plans

--Here we go again in the mess of stuff & things that comes all together.Again when I started to complain about routine.It is like I complain that there's no clients & after 10 minutes arrives like 10 people all together.I must to learn how to stop to complain.I knew this morning that the absence of a window messes my sleep times & that I can prepare myself very very fast.Plus sometimes I believe in god because even if I'm late/bad mood he always cheer me up.Or maybe he cheers me up to prepare me for a very shitty thing that is coming.I arrived in time at work even if I woke up very late.I arrive at work walking Triumphal listening to Doctor Who Unknown Intro.After a boring day at work (no more curry please!) the bank is waiting.I feel so anxious!I hate banks (not Paul or Azealia of course).Obviously the things couldn't be easy as I would.Thank you god.Thanks for nothinga as usual.Tomorrow will be another Bank day.Uff.Super hate!Skype with dad & V. at Caffè Nero drinking a medium cold cappuccino.Reedus was listening.I'm scared!Super windy afternoon.I'll fly away!No traffic?Wow!Very weird messages but if they want to pay me I say WELCOME!Primark sucks my life & my self-esteem.I feel so depressed when I go to Primark.No right sizes or things that make me feel pretty.No fancy dresses.Why I continue to try with Primark?I should say Fuck off & go to H&M.I feel bad & I want to go home.I just want to turn my brain off.Sorry Forbidden Planet.The good thing is that now I've got a blanket,a RUN DMC's pj (the shorts seem a pair of boxer by a 13 boy, said by V.) , a lipstick that & a not even the holy water can clean away & black shirt that make me feel good because it is my actual right size.Yes,sometimes miracles happen.No food.I need to do some grocery shopping.Uff.Oh I guess my Xmas' day is ruined.Will Doctor Who will same my Xmas' day?I try to cheer me up with Christmas' special of Black Mirror.Oh,hello Jon Hamm!Super cool episode.I finished all tesco's toffee popcorn.I should go to sleep... 

The dark waters of Routine

--The routine is becoming real.It is surronding me like a straightjacket.I feel like I'm suffocating.I'm choking.The reality is chocking my soul.I'm becoming a robot but my soul resists & kicks me when i become too cold.When I begin to forget how to live.I need to remain myself.I don't want to be bad,angry & unpleasant.I want to be good.I want to be me.I don't want to change.I know we're talking to survive & there is't any other choice to do it but be an adult is hard.I need to have a way to vomit out what I feel.I need it or I'll explode.I already sacrifice a window & a big part of my free time for being adult.I need to make a new artwork.I PHYSICALLY need it.Or I'll die.6th january is coming so...he will come to save me (again).I'm creating a list.To not forget.The things that make me feel good & that make me smile feeling pure joy when I think to them.Actually they are not very much but the importance is not the number but the existence of them.Black mirror.02:51am. 

One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell

--A mix of feelings today.Some of them I just couldn't control them.Sadness when I took
all my things by M.'s room.Like I knew I will never see her again.Emptiness.Like I was leaving forever that place & a part of me in it.After all this months there I began to love it.I guess I could feel like this if I had to leave UK.Probably worse...I think it was just a taste of the sadness I could feel.Pack all the things you have gives to you exactly the idea about what do you have,what you flet behind & what you don't need anymore.Say goodbye is always hard.Even it is more like a bye bye.You don't know what could happen tomorrow.Heavy suitcases full of stuff & things under a gry sky.A great joy when I realize I was going Home.A place that was really mine.A place just for me.I almost cried when I realized it.I would to smile to everybody & say loud "I live here!" but the english man inside me said NOU.My new little,white & empty room. A new beginning.The stability is here.For some weeks.We'll see.But for now where happy.A job,a room.Almost a bank account.We are almost 100%.Finally.I just need some clothes or Winter will kill me.Last night I almost vomitd my lungs.So painful.This morning I was a background actress of Walking Dead.First grocery shopping for the new room.Tomatoes,peanut butter,olive oil,bread,candies against cough,biscuits & tangerines.Now I need a blanket & detergent for clothes.Big troubles with skype.Why I don't have an Ipad or an Iphone or justa a new computer?Uff.Technology will kill me.First super hot shower in the new place.I really needed it.I washed all bad things away (without my sponge beacuse I forgot it.I MUST forgot something.I knew that...).A little sadness while I eat my late first dinner in the new place.I ate alone in my room.The last supper in the M.'s place was rice with vegetables.Alone but M. was there.I could talk to her.I probably have to get used to not have her to talk with.Here I eat pasta with tomatoes & Camembert.No more fish for me at home.It isn't allowed in this house.I'll miss my hot salmon+cheese with pepper & butter sandwich.I watch first episode of Black Mirror.It was a weird story.Tomorrow M.'s returns in Italy for Xmas.Sigh.She will bring me the old All Star she brought me by China.Yeah!Tomorrow work+bank.Pray for me.I need to sleep.

So... that's it.

--Today was the first day off of my life.And I passed that at bed coughing out my lungs hoping to die.I really needed a day off for rest.My body & my head.Too much stuff & things.In every sense.A heavy sleep.Finally.I'm still worried about all the things I have to do but I forgot that for some hours.I woke up with a bad taste in my mounth.Thank you mint candies!Heavy head.Nice light outside.I will not have that in the new room but whatever.There is the wardrobe & wifi!Nobody begin by buckingham palace right?Step by step.I have always to remember it.To myself & to all the other people.I don't want to wake up but I have to.Jeans up of my pijiamas.I went outside when the sky became dark.So cold.I should take the other scarf.Stupid bitch!Walk walk walk.Against the tideReturn back making counts.I hate so much numers,money & banks!I love Michael Fassbender's voice...& he is so close!!I still can't believe it.Thank you Wikipedia!Hot tea with sugar for me.Just in time to go back again.This time with napkins & mint candies.So... that's it.(even if it isn't definitive.Nothing will be definitive.There's always something better, something bigger, something different or somethings special.Change is everything).Wednsday is the day.I feel scarried & happy.I'm thinking about the mess I'll make to move all my stuff & things.It seems all so nice...I need to be focused to the positive side.I have to stop to be so suspious.Not so much!Walking Dead on a BIG SCREEN & Daryl's super sad expression on a BIG SCREEN.Oh,kill me!Back to home.Dinner.The last time I can cook meat/fish.FINALLY I can watch the Serie Finale eating biscuits & peanut butter.I'm so sad :( I cried so much.One of my favourite show is ended.Sigh sigh.I feel cold.Tommorrow:work.I'm ok :)

PS:Do you will miss me?

Physically Destroyed but Fine

(I bought this book on Oct 28th 2013 in Italy at Hoepli in Milan. It was 12,40€. This book is one of the things that I didn't want to leave in Italy. I would have it near me here in UK. Today, Dec 12th 2014 I'm reading the last page. I loved every word of it. Morrissey is my soulmate.)

These days are shaping me. I have to be patient.I have to put my head down & keep going. I know I'm missing a lot of stuff but I have to. My heart feels detroyed as my soul but I have to survive. I can have/do some things that I really need. Sometimes frustation knocks to my door but I'm busy. The things will be better. I know.

I cough. A lot. Like I have to split away something by my chest. It's so cold. I always walk alone. Unafraid. With my music & the wind. I need gloves. I want to eat but I feel full in the same time. I feel that my legs are falling apart. My heart breaks everytime I see a little dog. I miss my little Omarcita. I try to stop the tears. Maybe she didn't even noticed that I'm gone. I feel nostalgic & alone. I hope that when I'll find my room it will not get worse. I NEED someone near me. "I am human and I need to be loved". Moz Docet. I feel cold. I'm tired. But I feel ok. A new book is beginning...



PS: now I really really want Red Wing's Moc Toe! How weird is life...
PPS: I missed the 12/12. The last of the year. Sigh...

It's already come the time to celebrate?

So so so... maybe the things are going in the right way!Finally.Sometimes efforts are repayed.First day at job.Sunny day.I was so nervous this morning.So many Stuff & thAngs in my mind.So many feelings.So much wind on my face.So much music in my ears.But I know I can do it.I MUST DO IT!To survive.To live.I feel alive.To built something by nothing.It's already come the time to celebrate?Christmas is already here?I don't know but I feel good.I can walk without one piece of worries by my shoulders.I can't really explain how I feel because sometimes words can't really explain HOW I feel & probably nobody felt exactly how I'm feeling now.Nobody can feel EXACTLY like another person.I know I know it could seems a big deal what I'm doing... someone could say that I deserve better but,for now,I feel good.I'm not wearing my Victory smile but I know I will because the things are moving in the right way.One thing is "done".The first step is done.The stomach is full.The head is a little bit lighter.The soul is recovering.The eyes are finally dry.Now I can think only about a)FIND A ROOM & b)buy a fucking pair of Red Wing.There are something that makes me sad like not return to italy for Christmas or leave this amazing room but everything I will survive.No one of these things it is permanent.I have to say Fuck ya! to the bad thoughts because the first step is done.Tomorrow will be less tough of yesterday.Tomorrow I'll become more stronger than one month ago.Before some pages of Moz (that probably after today he could hate me...sorry Moz).I will go to sleep & I know I will fall asleep quickly because I know I did my duties todays.No regrets.& tomorrow I'll wake up with hope.

Thank you.

--The sky was light blue this morning.I slept good even if I knew that today would be a very tough day.A day I had to give everything to succeed.I must not be myself today.I have to be the better version of me.I wake up tense.The anxiety on my shoulders.This weight kills me.I know nothing will be easy.My tongue still burns.The blanket is too much hot.I don't want to leave it.All black like a black cat as I am.Finally NIN is arrived!We almost call it!I ate fast breakfast.It's not late but I feel like I have to run.As Paul Banks says "Only if you run" or like Pink Floyd say "Always on the run".The traffic is insane.I'm exploding inside.I'm more tense now.I run even if my knees remain slow.I listen the music that carries me & gives me the rhytmn.The wind slaps my face.I pray to the appearence of the Tardis.Why scientistsstill didn't create something like The Tardis or the Teletransport?I'm very near now.I can slow down.I can breathe normally.I like it.I really do.A lot of things to remember but I feel good.Finally I'm doing something!I'm moving!Rice with sautéed veggie & salmon for lunch.Thank you.Wed at 11.30am.I'll be ready.I think it is the right moment & the right thing.I'm scared to hope.Outside is so cold.Waiting waiting waiting.Walking walking walking.A bagel salmon & cheese for me.It is a cheap drug... like bacon.The shop that sells Red Wing's shoes.The smell of the shoes arrives to my nose & I feel lull in paradise.I drool all over the shop window.One of the object after job+house is a pair of Red Wing.I SWEAR!Rough Trade.I study every single cd/vinyl in the shop.I would work in this shop.5£ on oyster card.I shoudl buy stuff & things at Tesco.Maybe tomorrow.I walk against the wind to the Flat 3.It could be amazing to find the house too.It is in a very good place.Almost good price.It could be perfect.I arrive early so I wait.It's so cold.I'm scared I could be sick tomorrow.I can't feel my hands.After 20 minutes I just want to go away.My phone is dying.5%.Finally I see the room.It's so small.This flat is bigger on outside!A bed,a table & a window.No wardrobe.Nothing.I'm doubtful.So I take the bus with my doubtful frozen heart in my hands.I can't feel my fingers.Sherlock walks with me.M. is at home.She is doubtful too.I write these one good news & half to my family.I hope my dad will help me to decide.Dinner with brie bites & salad.No Walking Dead today.Sigh.I watch Hunger with Michael Fassbender.It killed me.A MUST SEE.Tomorrow:REST. 

Days

There was full/empty days.Days where I was so anxiuos that I just want to give up everything.Days where I felt full of hope but empty inside.Days where I gave everything.Days where I felt invisible.Days where I sleep trying to not suffocate.Days where I hold back the tears & the vomit.Days of Hope.Days of Hate.Days of tea smell on me,a fake smile on my face & frozen feet.Days where I gain 279,50£ & when I knew that the only thing I could think was "Like a pair of Red Wing!".Days where I cried so much... thinking that it was all useless & reading words that my father didn't said to me in person but that I really really needed to hear thousand of times.Days where I felt a stranger;& I'm still feeling like that.Days where I felt bad & bored to talk always about the same fucking shit;like I didn't have enough to talk about my anxieties.Days of sun & rain.Days where I asked to myself WHEN the things will finally take the right road?How soon is now?Where is Home?Days where The winter is coming.Days where I thought about all the things that I left in Italy... maybe I had more things than I thought.Days where the wind almost took me away.Days where finally I ate fruit & that I felt the good taste of it.Days where the sleep seemed so deep like a coma.Days of infinite waiting;there will be some like this right?I still wait.Days when I almost met Bjork.Days of just too much.Days of counting every pence.Days where I regret everything.The Un-Do.The I-Should-Do-It.Days of extremely loneliness with a huge desire of a simple human contact.Days where I saw things that helped me  not think.Nightcrawler.The Escape Artist.Horns.Days of Dreams.Days where I felt so lonely.Tomorrow will be tough.I feel the weight of the opportunity.It MUST be good.I MUST succeed.All in black I'll suceed because I MUST or... 

I can't breathe

This morning I just want to die.I can't breathe & I know that when I'll open my eyes I'll be projected in the reality again with all the anxiety that are quickly eating my hopes in the future.I feel so tired of everything.I want to cry.It is a thing that I'm doing too often in these days.Even now I feel like I can fall apart in a second if I don't control my thoughts.It's not good.I wake up.Slowly.Forceless.Breathless.I'm late.No very special clothes.I regret I left a lot of stuff in Italy.Stuff that I needed here.Stupid me.Red lips.Almost finished.Damn.Wrong way & wrong bus (thank you old bitch!).There is the sun.I'm blind.Flat 1 is in Hackney.It is beautiful & cheap BUT I have to say NEXT.Too creepy situation.It was TOO PERFECT.I run away from Flat 1 & a bad news arrives:Flat 2 was taken.Damn it!I swallow Oreos.I didn't have breakfast this morning because I was late.I'm back to home.Thank you.A hot tea for me.I needed it!Pain everywhere but, at least,  the "danger" is gone.I will never do it again with anyone.Super cold windy day again.I need gloves!I move my ass early to meet Federica.1 hour for Totteham Court.5pp.The wrong  Primark!It's raining!REALLY?I'm so sick to talk about money-looking for a job-looking for a room.Where is my Double Daker for Hell?Pickled veg & egg Noodles again.They will be my dinner too.A super fatty Praline Latte by Caffè Nero looking for wi-fi & a socket.How you can drink caffè americano??A Red Bean Bun for my exploding stomach.I'm guilty.I'm returning "home".I feel like a stranger now.Everywhere.It's raining again.I'm raining inside myself.M. is going out for Staff Party.Alone again.I eat the lunch left-over noodles for dinner.They are still good.Dessert.Today I ate so much!I'm disgusted.I watch Sons of Anarchy 7x12.A super shocking episode.I cried & my jaw dropped several times.Next week it will End.It will be a shock.For a moment I feel hopeless.I think about how much I felt good here in London & how much I'm desperate & alone.What's changed? Only the location.For a moment I thought to give up... for the million time.


Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my lifevLet me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time.
Songwriters: MARR, JOHNNY / MORRISSEY, STEVEN PATRICK

Le vent nous portera

(ops, wrong photo XD)

I took cold.Etciù!This morning I was a zombie in Walking Dead's style.I feel the fever.I can't breathe.I tried to recompose myself but I was weak.I just want to laid done & DIE.Only around 11am I left the bed.A lot of hopes.I prepare myself.It's so cold outside! but I have to go!I walk to praying the interview will be good.I NEED it (a.k.a it will be like SHIT but I hoped).Bethnal Green.10£ in the oyster card.10£ in coins.REALLY?Brick Lane.So,you just give me hope for a day & now you are just destroying it?Thank you.Sparks has the most nice sales assistents in the universe <3 The Ten Bells & Sushi restaurant.I feel my mood falling very low in very quickly way.So much wind today.I think I could fly away!Shoredicth.Pod.I felt guilty but better.Back to Brick Lane.No,back to "home" in a bus full of screaming kids & it's raining!Goddamnit!!I feel embarassed.How to Disappear Completely.I walk away from the situation returning to find a room.I feel anxious...I feel like I could just give up everything,go outside,buy a Red Wing's shoes & after an amazing Poppies' dish+wasabi's dish I could jump by London Bridge.I answer to my dad's email.I cry.Pasta mushrooms+hummus+cheese.I don't feel good.Stress is killing me.Tomorrow:go to Hackney for Flat 1,Covent Garden for Caffè Nero.Thu:interview.Friday:Yumchaa's Trial @Camden Lock.No,change of plans.Wed:visit flat 1 in Hackney(little scared about it)+visit flat 2 at Bow+whitechapel gallery with Federica.I'm running... I've got shortness of breath.


Hello hello, these are the photos that I took at Julia Holter's show at Barbican Centre a couple of days ago. Barbican Centre is an incredible place. Inside there with the orchestra Julia's music took a new & fresh shape. So incredible!
http://www.ocanerarock.com/gallery/julia-holter-stargaze/

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Too much ups not too much up & too much deep downs.When I smile there is always something that brings me to hard & cold reality.When I go wrong there is always something that beats me harder than I find myself in the Hell trembling & trying to not do stupid things without anyone can help me.I can enjoy the good taste of little things for little seconds than the bad taste of blood & shit comes in a millisecond after.& only one bad thing arrives & hit but 1000 all together.I'm scared.I feel like I'm choking in the mud.No easy things for me.Never.I try to not enjoy too much anything even if I should because when you receive something good you should have the possibility to enjoy it.Especially if you worked hard to reach it.Yesterday I talked to my parents.It makes me feel strange but good to have them on my back.My father was sad that probably I'll not return to home on Xmas.I'm sad too.I passed the night try to find a way to go anyway.Another insomnia night.Today I felt hope again.After 3 days where I get what I deserve,where I just realized that I continue to make the same shitty mistakes,where I laughed,where I lost Moz's show for the billion time,where I understood that THAT thing is not for me...too phisical...to animal-like...too repetitive & boring...I will never do it again,where I ran in the night with my blood on my hands super shocked & in paranoia,where I had a photo challenge in one of the best venue ever,bad moments,super bad news... a little light turned up.There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.I'll do my best, I MUST HAVE THIS JOB!I MUST!The things could finally begin to work... I could feel better.Foe a while.Super cold today.I guess I have cold now.I still walk.Trembling.Looking for some job vacancies.Covent Garden.I have to return on Wed.Uff.I'm worried.I can't stop to think about my worries.I ate super insidious spicy noodles.Take away.Xmas is coming.Smile & take a CV!Carnaby Street.I need to take the bus.It is so cold.They may have my number of Red Wing's shoes.THE ETERNAL SHOES!They cost very much but theyare ETERNAL!Dream dream dream.It will be a hard week.I need to be prepared.60£.I return at home a.k.a a place that now begins to be hostile.I feel cold.Etciù.Walking dead midseason finale was shocking.At the beginning slowly but after there was in the air the big SHOCK and than it arrived.At the begin my jaw falled after I was a little happy.Finally I can say goodbye to her useless & pathetic caracther!Yeah!But...Poor Daryl.So,now we have to wait until February?FEBRUARY?FUCK!Sorethroat.Hungry.It's so cold.Now back to the reality.Sigh.Breathe slowly & don't give up.

Walkin' on Down the Road

Even if the blanket was so hot & I slept very few hours in the morning,today I did something.Plus I hoped & ate almost in good way.Almost healthy.I walked so much that I hope tomorrow my legs/the fact I could do better  will not kill myself.I Found new places.I Almost lost myself.I saw a lot of city-people walk in line to return at the office.Took some photos.I was happy it wasn't very cold.1,70£ for 12 photocpies.Good.& he prints t-shirts too.See ya soon!50£ & anxiety.Walk walk walk to Liverpool station.Milions of people.Milions of food shops.Zero vacancies.HMV.I would to work there!Uh,DONKIN' DONUTS!For fuck sake,why everything is so fucking expensive?Fuck!Ice rink.I think to my father.He probably could like it.Finally Spitalfield market!The primary object!Cvs as flowers on the way.Smiles & Self-confidence.OH MY GOD HE WAS BRENT BY MASTODO!HOLY SHIT!He looked at me & I looked at him but I lostthe precious moment!F-U-C-K!I would to work to Rough Trade!!I write down all the shops where I have to send Cvs.I feel again like Walking Dead when they talk just only about the food.I talk about the food & the research of a job.A very strange interview...but...finger crossed.So the last cv & the last smile.I feel fine.A little reward for me that I'm falling down.Grosery shopping at Tesco making counts & buying only the necessary.Bread,peanut butter,salmon,mushrooms,soy meatballs (let me eat something tasty please!!),hummus & mint candies.Less than 10£!8,11£!YEAH!Next time I have to buy more fruit.I really need to eat better or I'll fall apart.Walk walk walk.Today is tha Thanksgiving?Urrah!Really if you don't live in USA the only thing you can think is WHO CARES!Tomorrow is Black Friday but I'm so poor that I can't effort any extra....uff!I wait to have dinner reading newspaper & post on instagram.I feel so cold.Pain everywhere.Around 9pm I prepare dinner.Something tasty:soy meatballs with tomatoes+mushrooms & ceddar.Super good but I still feel empty.Not good at all.I watch Frank & I fell in love for this movie & for Michael Fassbender's voice.I don't know what to do tomorrow night.Mumble mumble.Saturday is coming & I feel the anxiety...

PS:THIS!

Pain of the Day

This morning I understood how much I put myself to the limits of my body yesterday.Super pain on my legs.A fire in my throat.Good!Fuck me.I lost another day.Why I can't understand when I have to stop?For me it's hard to understand this thing but the opposite too.What's my problem?No answers by nobody.Damn.I still try.I feel bad because I've got a lot to do.Stupid me.Outside is so humid.The laundry is still wet.Pain in th middle of the shoulders.I ate a sandwich with ceddar+hummus & tomatoes. I don't know how.My stomach hates me.A sort of punishment?No tea for me today.Damn,it's already so late?Stupid me.Uh,a good news.I'll be busy on Sat 29th at Barbican Centre.I'm happy but I can't stop to think that Iif it was payed it coud be better.I'm so tired to give my work for free.Better than nothing but...Watching Southpark for cheer me up.M. is back.We've dinner together.Yeah!For me rice mushrooms+cheese+tomatoes & dessert yogurt+peanut butter+cereal.She just white rice and carrots.While I waited the dinner was ready I felt cold.I guess the real cold is coming.Winter is coming.Finally I watch Benedict Cumberbatch's ALS ice bucket challenge.AHAHAHA!Ok,Walking Dead 5x07.Ok than the next week is the mid-season finale but this episode?Really?Nothing happens!Dear lord!Uh,hello Rick Grimes a.k.a the main caracter!The only cool thing is the fight between Daryl & the cop.That was cool but EEEEEWWWW! too.But,hey,they changed Daryl's shoes?& I KNEW that the end of this episode could let me with my jaw dropping.Damned!If the season finale will not leave me with nose bleeding I'll freak out!The fact that after we have to wait until FEBRUARY kills me!Now I feel tired but I know that,when I'll turn out the light,I can't be able to sleep.As always.Damn... 

Never-ending search of...

I wake up early today.Well,I could wake up earlier but ayway.Shower.Super hot.I really needed it.Wash away all the bad thoughts.I feel better.I really don't want to go out... it's Sunday!The sky tries to stop me vomiting litres & litres of water & my legs try to stop me too killing me every step but I MUST TO GO!The wind is so strong.I could fly away.Underground.Mile End to Camden (Reminder:Camden & not Campden).Wrong stop.Why dumbass?WHY?So many people.Even the rain can't sotp the turists.It will be a mission impossible.Share CVs like tey are flowers.No stop rain.My umbrella is dying.Mint candies.Camden Market.So many people.So many languages.Swimming in water & cacophony.UH,I almost bought a The Smiths' t-shirt!Sigh sigh,why I'm so poor?Amy Winehouse that make me sad there alone under the rain.They love her more now than when she was alive.I would to hug her but I know she isn't here anymore.Still walking.I'm so hungry but I have to continue to walk.No music.Just rain.UH!Daryl & Rick!JOY!The sky is getting darker.The winter is coming.I really can't walk anymore.My legs are killing me.Underground & music.I'm so tired but I have to go ot Tesco.Some stuff.Cereal,yogurt,bread,sandwich,cheese & rice.I count every pence.Now my arms are hurting too but I can''t take the bus.I spend so much with the underground & Tesco.So,let's walk!A little rain continues to fall.Sherlock brings me at home.I'm dead.My legs are exploding.I really need to rest.Just a half of hours.I promise...even if I know that in this way will be hard to fall to sleep.Lone dinner with basmati rice (with no salt),ceddar & mushrooms.M. arrives & I give her some basmati rice.Laundry.A lot of things to wash!Finally I watch Hellion.It was weeks that I had to watch it!!Aaron Paul is so good.He can't do & say more that BIATCH!I really loved him.I believe he will have a great career.Josh Wiggins will be a great actor.Juliette Lewis is amazing.I would ot be like her.I don't want to think to tomorrow.I'm finish the ideas.The last thing I can do is pray.

Try to not fall in pieces (again)

there was 2 days of destruction.Internal distruction because the body is in perfect shape (i guess).A storm of hopes & bad thoughts in my rib cage against my heart.It was so hard open the eyes & leave the bed.My body... forceless.Hopeless.Guardians of the Galaxy is a funny movie.Now I want a racoon with Bradley Cooper's voice!The OST is awesome.I admit that what happen after the trial hurted me but I understood is not personal.Nothing in Work World is personal.The people are just things to use.You can give everything but they can split you away when the taste is gone.The end of Olive Kitteridge made me cry so much but I did it in silence.I should know.Today I made a little step forward to return mentally in shape.I feel better but I have a lot to do.First thing:don't give up.Even if I continue to run in circle or even if my parents contnue to remind me how much in shit I am or how much sad is my diet.I have to.I feel cold.I feel alone.I cried when I saw my little Omarcita.I miss her.The end of Blackpool was bittersweet.I love David Morrissey.Even if he was The Governor.Even if give up seems so simple.I think to it everytime I cook.I don't want to be on the edge of the gorge again.I have to use my dreams like a hot blanket that saves me when I'm desperate.The important thing is survive.Or try to not fall in pieces.The wind here is very strong in this season.I could fly away & I could be forgotten in a blink of an eye.I really need to draw.REALLY.Tomorrow I'll was away all this pain & I'll return to run.Tomorrow.Even if it is Sunday.Everyday is like Sunday.

Thanks for Nothing

That was me this afternoon.I was smiling returning to home listening to Rufus Wainwright.My left shoulder hurt but I'm walking happly & smiling.Today was a sunny day in London & I was happy because it was my first day of trial & I felt like I could have a possibility.I felt like FINALLY something really important & good happened to me here in London.A chance for a start here.A way by god or similar to tell me to not give up that yes,shit continues to happen but,sometimes,something good could arrive to me too or that sometimes my efforts are not useless.I smiled after a very tough day of work where I did my best.Finally I could do SOMETHING that could keep me occupied & that could give me a reason to believe & hope.I felt good and nothing could change my mood.But the weather changed like my unchanbagle mood.Just few word arrived like a punch in my face.Like a cold water after a hot & bubbled bath.Like pieces of glass in a chocolate muffin.It was like a moment before I was eating an incredible ice cream & turned the corner someone rubbed me.I felt down.Almost litterally.It was hard.Unexpected.I feel so speechless now.M. says it happens.Yes,it happens but everytimes it hurts because... I can't explain with words but it fucking hurts.It's like you always run but when you're almost at the goal someone makes oust you & you fall down & break a tooth.Everytime you fall you break a tooth.Now I feel a gap-toothed.& the only thing that I've got now is a disturbing smell of Thai food on me & my clothes.I always feel like I'm wasting my energies for doing something that it doesn't be my responsibility.What I'mreally doing?Maybe I'm just sinking.The sky is dark now as I feel.Dark.Luckily there are some things that distract me by my failures like Sons of Anarchy or Reedus & his being Tonto.But I can't stop to think about today & about how much,for a second,I hoped in something.I lost energies (again) & I lost something that I can't have back.What I should think about Tomorrow?What I have to do?I know I have to prepare myself to return to the starting line & return to run.Again. 

The sound of Hope

A thing that I'm learning is that I shouldn't put too much hopes in the future.Yes,I have to hope in something good or in something in general but not too much because when something goes wrong it hurts because I hoped that something could change.There is a proverb or something like more you hopre & more you go high than it is more painful the fall.I can't remember where I heard that thing but it is pretty real.Unfortunately because hope should bring only positive things.Now,after the hard work of yesterday where my hopes has to take me up,something moves but... how I should feel?I should feel happy?I should feel nervous?I should feel grateful?I don't know.I just know I have to try to be enough distant to not feel bad if I screw up everything.The contact with the things is always bad.In the past I hoped so much...I fought so much but.. for what?What I've got?Everytime I stop to think about it I feel bad.Sorry.

This morning was tough to leave the bed but I did.I don't know how but I did.I ate the same old soup with mushrooms & I returned to search.I didn't go out.I didn't feel the air.I hope lil' Daryl is fine.Search & Try & Eat.Search & Try & Hope for something better.Eat for not feel the empty & Survive.I'm still thinking of the TWD's episode I saw yesterday.I was pretty cool.One of the best.A part of my mind loves to travel when I'm sending CVs.Just to not feel the weight of what I'm doing.Tea in the TARDIS.Two bags.M. is back from work.Finally we make a dinner together.I want to talk...I want to celebrate.But we just eat & chat.Noodles with different kind of beans & cheese.For break the cicle of the same old mushrooms soup.Dessert.The sound of the rain outside.I hope that tomorrow will be a sunny day.2 broke girls.Almost like us.First part of Olive  Kitteridge.It made me cry.The good things die fast.Tears.Sometimes I take it too personal.I finish my tea.I'm worried.

I Walked

Today I walked so much.In these days I walked so much.My father said that finally I move my fta ass.Now my legs are better.Even if they hurt the only thing that I can do is continue to walk because if I stop it will be the end.A way to not fall apart.I always wake up so late.Why I'm so lazy?Shower hoping that today will not rain.Today no cat hat.I feel naked.20 CVs.Now I'm ready.I walk with my hopes like a halo in my pretty dress to distribute my experiences hoping someone will call me back.Always with a fake smile on my face.With my Moleskine in my cold hands.The sun!Just for few minutes!Maybe it was an illusion.I'm at the middle of my day.I really need to eat something or I'll die.Itsu for the first time.I almost lost the 8 because I was talking about Reedus' shoes!Damned Reedus!Stupid Red Wing!Eating teriyaki salmon on 8 like I didn't eat for months while I'm going to Oxford Street.All this Christmas makes me sad.Where I will be at Christmas?How I'll feel?With who I will be?It rains a little.Fuck!The last stop at Office & Tiger.I'm so tired.I listen music & I think about tomorrow.Oh another lone dinner.Super creamy mushrooms soup.So,Walking Super Hype Dead 5x06 eating tortilla cheese chips with cheese & asomething sauce.Again this super dark scene?WHY?Again this no camera movement with the action that enters by the side after few seconds?But I admit that in this episodes there are some framing that I really loved.How is possible that I'm scared like the first time I saw that scene?I don't know if I understand less Carol or Daryl.It's a very hard fight but I love the dialogs & the silences between them.REEDUS STOP TO WHEEZE!So,TRYING.But WAIT they are running in circles!!Daryl is the king of the Unintentional Funny.Sorry Reedus.That fucking shithead!Carol doubts about Daryl's height & he takes it like a personal offense.How is possible that fter a fall like that Daryl is perfect & Carol is destroyed for 2?One of the moment when Daryl killed me.*melted*OH MY GOD!I KNEW THAT!In this moment I really see myslef in Daryl.SUPER HYPE AGAIN FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!Outside is so cold.Moz is my night mate.My left shoulder hurts.Tomorrow I really need to stop a moment.


PS: in 9 days I posted 4 photos of Daryl/Reedus.It's not good. 

I'm running against the wind

I really really would to stay at home today.My legs still hurt.I always push myself to the limit.I just notice it when the consequencies arrive.Yesterday I felt asleep instantanely.I even didn't read my sweet Moz.I was completely dead.This morning I heard M. say something & go out but I felt asleep again.I woke up super late.No sign of dreams.Outside a very grey day.No forces at all.I just want to die but I remembered I have to pay phone bill so I wake up.Dead.Eat shit & go out.No make up.Who cares?Who look at me?Daryl the squirrel gives me a sweet heart attack.No time for a photo.Bus 8.The shop will close at 5pm.It's 3pm.Anxiety.I should wake up early.I know.And I think it's raining.Why the people walk so slowly when you're late?Why?I run in Oxford Street.I pay.See ya next month.I walk against rain.Here in London they take festivities VERY SERIOUSLY.Christmas lights everywhere.People everywhere.Lovers everywhere.I feel alone.I hate everybody under this stupid rain.Finally Selfridges!Taking pictures of job vacancies.Tomorrow or Tue I'm there with my CVs.Finally I know what HMV means.I really would to work here.The fact that I saw some Triumphs was a sort of sign because look there!DARYL!Oh my god!So bad that t is not so good t-shirt.Anyway...WWDD?Uh,& Walking Dead Box Season 1-4!Really?REALLY?*bad things*I find another bank that accepts my stupid Postepay but it is useless because all the bank takes 1,75€ everytime I withdraw.Fuck!I return to the road for home.Now is raining heavier.It's time to take the umbrella.No more candies.All the road are almost empty.There's only me,my music & some other stranger.I almost fly away in Poultry.Season ticket is SO EXPENSIVE!!!DAMN!I'm so tired & hungry.The shit I ate at lunch stopped to give me forces hours ago.I arrive in Liverpool Street & I'm wet.Stupid wrong shoes!Brick Lane & the Sad Chesee Bagel.I wait M. at the bus stop but it's getting cold & late so I go home with 8.Wait that guy on Triumph with Red Wing was... sorry,False allarm.Writing message to V. on Wazzap.It's clear that I will not buy the Walking Dead Box Season 1-4 & that Math is not my BFF.I almost lost my stop!Damned Reedus (it is always is fault).Light dinner with salad beans+edamame+humus on seeded bread with M.Super hype for TWD!I WHAT TO KNOW!Tomorrow will be TOUGH.It's raining again.I Guess I Should Go to Sleep by Jack White.

PS:the horrible Red Wing Reedus'shoes are just 230£ *holy shit*

Dancing with myself in the TARDIS

After the heavy day of yesterday my body needed some rest.Especially my legs.I walked a lot yesterday & I took a lot of cold.But I can't stay at home because yesterday was a shitty day so let's go out!I check google for some flea markets in the meantime I was eating yogurt+cereal+chocolate+peanut butter & I choose Portobello.I'm sad to leave zombie M. at home but she needs some rest.I prepare myself quickly after my beautiful good late breakfast.I hope it will not rain today.I take the underground for the first time.Maybe I mystify this first travel.It super expensive,super little & superhot but it is fast & comfortable.I have to find a way to make a season ticket because the transports are killing my finances.Nothing Hill.I actually can't remember where they made the movie but... who cares?Benedict Cumberbatch a.k.a V. boyfriend is stalking me!He is EVERYWHERE!!On the buses,on newspapers,in bookshops!WHERE IS REEDUS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?Some drops of rain.Maybe it's time to select Xmas' gifts.The most precipitous street of the UNIVERSE!I'm climbing a mountain or walking on a street?Portobello Market is soooo HUGE.A lot of Stuff & Things!I love it!I almost bought a film photo camera & a pair of Jeffrey Cambpell.My legs are killing me but I'm happy.A lot of people.A lot of languages around me.I hope I could come back...maybe with M. that she didn't visit it.Sun goes down but I have a mission:THE TARDIS!I saw on Google Maps it isn't so far by here.So... ALLONS-Y!My legs are killing me but I MUST!I walk & I lost myself.Thank you Google Maps.The mission to Washigton D.C. is NOTHING in comparison of MY MISSION!After 20 minutes that seemed 10000 I finally found THE TARDIS!Hidden & in sight.This amazing blue box.It is not exactly the real TARDIS but it's awesome anyway.If it was opened I could live inside it.it's bigger on the inside right?I'm pretty hungry.At Portobello I didn't find anything that interested me & Pret à Manger has only meat-frendly stuff so I take underground again & I go to Poppies (coherence).I at alone this huge plate of potatoes & cod.I almost explode but it is so good.I take a bus.The only IDEA to WALK kills me.I spend millions in transports today.Skype call with family.I'm actually happy to talk with them even if they give me a lot of anxiety... more than how much I have already.I KNOW I have to find a job,I KNOW I have to find a house.I FUCKING KNOW THAT!It doesn't help continue to repeat it.No Doctor Who tonight.Sadness.Moz & Paul Banks.

The Best Shitty Day (Again)

There will be a moment in my life where something will be easy?I will ever receive this kind of BIG present by God/every kind of divinity/legend out there?What I did in previous lifes to deserve such of hard times?I will get what I deserve (I hope I deserve something even if,listen to my father,I don't deserve anything)?There will be a moment where I will stop to have bad thoughts?In these last times I can't stop to ask to me these questions (plus Why I always walk alone?Why there's nobody when I need a hug or just for some moments where I just can stop to think & enjoy the moment?).This continue fight is exhausting me.I feel I'm losing parts of myself.I feel like I'm having a hurricane in my heart.My eyes are melting.Even if I'm in a new country the story continues to repeat herself like a stupid dog that continues to bite his own tail.A vicious cycle that is suffocate me.What I have to do?What I have to change?Maybe my dreams are too strong.Maybe a huge part in my soul can't complitely give up to hard reality.Or maybe I'm just a weak tupid girl.Today I walked alone again after a shitty day that didn't give me anything.Just pain on my body & my soul.I tried so hard to breathe & stop to feel so fucking bad even if I just do the best thing for me...the right thing.For several times I thought "Fuck,I give up...I give up London,I give up the fight,I give up Planet Earth...I just have to wait the next double-decker" but after I just want to destroy everything around me.I just wanted to put out all the angry that I felt.But I didn't do anything.I just continued to walk.I just walked with Rufus & Thom.My two saviours.Near home I felt a sort of relief even if the only thing I would do was cuddle/be cuddle.I guess that the rain could complete this hightest moment of the day.I feel cold on my body & a hole that grows in my soul.I'm hungry for everything.Tomorrow will be another day.Another fight with other pains...I wonder if my body & especially my soul will survive.

I'm Waiting & I'm Hoping (not too much)

A perfect wake up after an insomnia night (where I knew that Morrissey will play in London 29th November & I can't go +M. scaried me after I sneezed+too much hot leggings)?An interview call for a job.OMG!I answered the phone saying Pronto!Holy Shit!I thought it was M.!Damn!I feel my head empty!My throat hurts!I HATE telephone interviews!Anyway,tomorrow I'll have a real interview at 4:30pm.I'm nervous.And, for fuck sake, what it means "The dress code is smart business dress (no casual clothes or jeans)"?Oh God!!Anyway,they were so nice to send to me the directions for the interview place.No news by the photographer.Damn.I really cared about that job.It could be perfect to begin to work in London with something I really love but it was too much perfect & I'm not so lucky.Today Harrods shoud call too but how knows.I'll stay at home waiting (even if I should go to a couple of places like to go to print some CVs in Shoreditch for example).I eat soup with leek & potatoes.Too much leek.I add some seeded bread croutons that they transform themself in sponges & the soup is gone in a minute.For dessert yogurt,chocolate & oat+peckan.I good way to finish the crumbs & eat some calciumin the same time.I return to send CVs even if I'm very worried for tomorrow.In the meantime I search the perfect street for reach the place of the interview.I save it on Citymapper & I take some notes too.3,30pm arrive quickly between a CV & a distraction.At this point I think that there is a problem with my phone.I really don't know.I'll send to Harrods an email.I search the more quick way to find the TARDIS & I notice it is very near Victoria & Albert Museum!Wow!!& I discover that Sherlock Holmes Museum/Sherlock Holmes' Exibithion is SUPER EXPENSIVE!Not even they have Robert Downey Jr. that opens the doors & Benedict Cumberbatch like tour guide!Uff!Maybe I'll go to the Sherlock Holmes Pub & I'll take a Robert Downey Jnr’s Baked Camembert (v) (£9.95)) With toasted bloomer fingers & British chutney for sharing served by a twin of Benedict Cumberbatch.8pm arrive so I prepare myself for another lone dinner with salmon+beans salad & seeded bread croutons.For dessert yogurt,chocolate & oat+peckan+PEANUT BUTTER.Perfect!Sons of Anarchy 7x10.Shocking!I always loved this show.Every minute happens something & you with the caracters say WHAT AGAIN? every seconds.-3 to the final ride!I'm waiting that the bomb finally blows up.Lemon candies.TWD #134.Rain.     

Being Waterproof ((11:11 on 11/11/2014))

Why I continue to do the wrong thing again & again?Why?I never learn... like America.Waste time.Be a Lazy Ass Bitch.Eat not enough & too much.Be ossessed.Go to sleep early after I read some pages of Moz's Autobiography,turn off the light but the mind is still on,wait HOURS for Morpheus.Drink water & pray that you will not need to go to the bathroom or all the efforts to fall asleep will be useless!Die for a couple of hours.Obviously wake up super early with M. but remain to swim between the hot blanket until Morpheus comes back again.I MUST to stop this shit!I HATE waste timelike this! I HATE be so stupid!I wake up & lunch.Mushrooms (+magical crouton)+1 chocolate & caramel biscuit & a surplus of peanut butter (just one fat girl!!).I feel so Out.Forceless... Hopeless.Again.I need something beautiful in my life... something that cheer me up after so bad moments.& NO,I'm not talking about Reedus.He is not enough because he is Impossible.Sigh.I check emails.Something not clear.I'll ask.I register into another job site.I need to go out.Make up.I hate my skin.I would to change it like a snake.A new fur friend near home.DARYL the squirrel.I try to not scare him.I hope to see him again.A little rain but 'sticazzi.I walk listen to music.It is like I'm running... I don't know why.Maybe my body is scared by the rain.I arrive to Brick Lane, no Salmon+Cheese for me.I walk to Shoredicth.I find some interesting stuff.I guess it is a sign... It is still raining.A little less.New Street Art.The smell of the fresh paint.Photos.I return back to Roman Road.Now I look 1000 times in every direction before go through.Tesco.Yogurt,seeded bread,freeze drieds.These will be my meals for next days.A Leprechaun cashier asks How was my day.I just say Fine.Thank you.It's not raining anymore.Obviously I forgot something.I should make a fucking LIST!A good surprise.I have to ask for it ASAP even if it is on 28th november.I arrive to home.Damn,I hope I didn't screw up.I find a super old photo of Reedus made by Geoff Moore on Instagram.So,I looked to ALL his photos.I just love him.Thank you Reedus.The phone is almost dead.So,you're saying to me that if I feel alone & sad I can't go to Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium because I didn't book?WTF!M.is at home.Dinner with 1 seeded bread sandwich withhumus+4 pieces of sushi & another seeded bread sandwich with humus+lattuce+6 tomatoes.11:11.I love it.Tomorrow I don't really know what will happen.I HATE it because I can prepare myself in the perfect way possible BUT I will not have the complete control of the events.It is so frustrating...

PS: yesterday I said that I shoudln't drink tea before go to sleep because probably it is for it that I can't sleep... Guess what I'm doing now...

to Search & to Try

Wake up early.Fall to sleep again.Again the impossible dreams.Stupid me.I feel so down that I have to return to Search & to Try.Search a Job.Search a house.Try to save money.Try to not finish the food & mint tea.I'm tense.I'm not completely well.I know that.I make a shower.Finally.My new black towel.I feel so comfortable inside it.I call Rufus & Pj & I return to Search a Job after I ate a peanut butter sandwich.A month ago I really can't visualize me eating peanut butter.What a surprise!I Try to not put myself down.I Try to think positive.Liters of mint in my beautiful TARDIS!I continue to Send CVs but my mind is thinking about the dinner.Waht I can eat?When?Alone?I feel like Walking Dead when Rick said to Michonne that they talk only about food.Now I understand.I look to recipes with Salmon & Hummus' recipes but I don't have the half of teh ingredients.Damn!Uff.I'll figure out when dinner time will arrive.M. is back.She is so happy for her new job.I prepare an omelette with mushrooms,cheese with mould with seeded bread & hummus (that I LOVE!I will eat only hummus,noodles & peanut butter FOREVER!Ah, wait & chocolate,whiskEy,Guinness & sushi).It's all so good.I feel good when I cook good food.I would eat some of it again but there aren't eggs & there are only 2 slice of bread for tomorrow.So,peanut butter & caramel biscuits.I'm so FatGirl!After dinner FINALLY Walking Dead 5x05!A lot of things like the comic again.I returned to laugh!I missed it.The sense of all these dark scenes?REALLY?WHY?Uh,Sex!I knew that.Eugene is so annoying & disturbing!KILL HIM!So,I knew that in this episode the truth finnally comes out but Michael Cudlitz was wonderful.It was his episode.Even if I admit that when he cried... ehm... this thing happened to almost all actors of the serie so... I accept it.The next episode of Walking Dead will be crazy.& I don't know ANYTHING about it!Finally we'll know WTF did Daryl & what happened to Carol!YEAH!Chat chat with V. about the episode that makes her very boring (!!!) & Reedus' stuff & things.This is one of the things that I miss more.I pass too much time alone.I should do something about it.Laundry time.I want to scribble a new artwork... maybe after I'll feel better... 

2 days to put all the pieces together again

2 days ago I felt like a tree after a snow slice.I felt like my arms were broken,my eyes were melted away with my tears & my mind was broken.I felt into pieces.I tried to remain in one piece but the eyes are the windows of our sou on the world... they are always open.I wasn't ready.No reasons to open my eyes & do everything.Nothing were important anymore.Very bad thoughts hard to send away.I searched the forces & I found some stockpile.Now I'm ok.For now.I guess...

Yesterday I just went out for a walk.It was raining so hard.I let the rain fall on me.I just want to be sure that I still coul FEEL.After a day at bed.After bad thoughts & impossible dreams.A long chat with parents via Skype.The earphones are good.I'm happy I didn't spend 5£ in vain.Yesterday I cried so much for Doctor Who's season finale.One of the most sad thing that  I ever saw.Now Sat will be a day like the others.Sigh.Today I went out & I walked.I took photos.I felt better.Even if the sadness was still on my left shoulder.There was so beautiful sky.The perfect light is at 3pm.Pink lipstick.I walked so much.Always following the straight road.It's crazy how all the straight road that I take I always arrive in the same place:Brick Lane.Salmon+cheese.I return back to home.Something happened in Mile End.Maybe not knowing shocked me lesso than know.Tesco:mozzarella+homus+peanut butter+2 little boxes of sushi in sale+chewgum=6£.I love listen to Rufus Wainwright when I'm on my way to home.Another lone dinner with mozzarella sandwich & 4 sushi.Dessert with peanut butter sandwich.I cried watchig last episodes of Wilfred.Tomorrow it's a new day.C'mon...

Hope is the last one to die

This morning I felt the weight of the bags under my eyes & I felt like I could melt in a second.I fought against my depression & I woke up.The cold air on my skin.I'm freezing.I realized that I really was melting from the inside.Damn.I should know.I tried to do Stuff &Things.I felt so tired... I felt like ruins in a glacier.The IDEA to go out killed me but I had to.I have to prepare myself for tomorrow.Always the wrong way.Thanks to all the people that helped me to find the right street.Even when they invite me to their home.By the way,it's so clear I came from Italy?It is?Shit!Thank you Norman Grove,205 & Google Maps.Tomorrow I have to be there for the NIN.Now I know the right bus to take,the right street to take.No problems & no bad surprises please.I say HI! to M.her shift ends at 5pm.I'm dying so I go to eat something.Salmon+cheese.I returned back to BLITZ! & I found a good news.An interview for be a photographer assistent!Wow!But CALM DOWN BITCH!IT'S JUST AN INTERVIEW!Obviously wifi is dead.I return home alone by foot.Just 2 stops to tesco.I'm so out that I forgot the reason why I was there.31p for charity.No squirrels.I almost died under a car while I was listening to BBC Sherlock Holmes' Theme.I was wet.Why?Why here is so hot?Talking about SOA,TWD & Norman Reedus' pores with V.I don't know if she misses me.Probably not.M. is back so DINNER'S TIME!Super spicy noodles with mushrooms & 1 egg drinking juice.So,now I'm watching American Horror Story Freakshow (btw,super cool episode) & M. is watching Becoming Jane with her super crush James McAvoy.I'm still drinking a super mint tea by the TARDIS!!Tomorrow will be a super heavy day.I MUST be ready.I hope I will not screw up everything like I always do... 

Sorry not sorry

The excitment of good news that I had yesterday killed the sleep.I couldn't stop to think about how it will be the interview,how the questions could be,how I could answer,how I could be prepared &,most important thing,how I could not screw everything saying stupid things.Another night staring the ceiling.Another night I spend trying to make my mind exhausted.So,the sleep that I've lost this night I've recover it this morning.Heavy sleep.M. said to me something but I had a very out-of-focus memory of what she said.Outside is grey.I hope will not rain today.When it rains everything is more heavy & slow.Another 15 minutes.Another 10 minutes.Another 5.Please.Finally I woke up.I'm feelig like an old 100 bitch.I prepare myself.I've got a missin today:go to Harrods & prepare myself for Friday.Just a philadelphia sandwich.I'm a black cat with The Sixth Doctor's scarf (I should take this as a sign).While I reach the 8 stop I prepare myself to spend like an hour on it.I put my music in my ears.The bomberos are closed today.I try to understand if it is a good thing or not.Museum street.For once in my life I was on the right side of the road.Super Wind.HYDE PARK!After the mission I want to return back by foot & check some stuffs that I saw when I was on the bus.This scarf is quite good but sometime it makes me feel like I had neck brace.I almost lost the street but the bags of Harrods helped me to find the right way.Harrods is another universe.No words to explain how how shocked I was.La Rinascente but more bigger, more bright.I love it.It could be a cool thing to work there.Even just for Christmas.Thinking about Christmas a part of me is sad because I would to return to Italy but the other part of me thinks "ok no Xmas in IT but money for stay in UK".I give an apply in a shop of cool clothes for kids.I stop by to take some photos.I return back to Piccadilly & on the street I found a very cool music/movies/series shop called Fopp.I almost buy TWD Season 4 but the 28£ stopped me.Maybe for Christmas.This willpower fell when I went to Forbitten Planet & I found the mug in the photo.I just bought it without remorse.It was very long long long time that I wanted it!SUPER HAPPINESS!I try to return home walking but I was dying so I give up at Bak Station & I took the 8.Tesco.Just a couple of things for dinner.M.is out so I watch SOA.Very super shocking episode.Tears.Stupid fireworks!I made the good choice to stay at home.Tired as fuck.Ah,by the way,I'm drinking a super mint tea by the TARDIS!!