Thanks for Nothing

That was me this afternoon.I was smiling returning to home listening to Rufus Wainwright.My left shoulder hurt but I'm walking happly & smiling.Today was a sunny day in London & I was happy because it was my first day of trial & I felt like I could have a possibility.I felt like FINALLY something really important & good happened to me here in London.A chance for a start here.A way by god or similar to tell me to not give up that yes,shit continues to happen but,sometimes,something good could arrive to me too or that sometimes my efforts are not useless.I smiled after a very tough day of work where I did my best.Finally I could do SOMETHING that could keep me occupied & that could give me a reason to believe & hope.I felt good and nothing could change my mood.But the weather changed like my unchanbagle mood.Just few word arrived like a punch in my face.Like a cold water after a hot & bubbled bath.Like pieces of glass in a chocolate muffin.It was like a moment before I was eating an incredible ice cream & turned the corner someone rubbed me.I felt down.Almost litterally.It was hard.Unexpected.I feel so speechless now.M. says it happens.Yes,it happens but everytimes it hurts because... I can't explain with words but it fucking hurts.It's like you always run but when you're almost at the goal someone makes oust you & you fall down & break a tooth.Everytime you fall you break a tooth.Now I feel a gap-toothed.& the only thing that I've got now is a disturbing smell of Thai food on me & my clothes.I always feel like I'm wasting my energies for doing something that it doesn't be my responsibility.What I'mreally doing?Maybe I'm just sinking.The sky is dark now as I feel.Dark.Luckily there are some things that distract me by my failures like Sons of Anarchy or Reedus & his being Tonto.But I can't stop to think about today & about how much,for a second,I hoped in something.I lost energies (again) & I lost something that I can't have back.What I should think about Tomorrow?What I have to do?I know I have to prepare myself to return to the starting line & return to run.Again.