The Best Shitty Day (Again)

There will be a moment in my life where something will be easy?I will ever receive this kind of BIG present by God/every kind of divinity/legend out there?What I did in previous lifes to deserve such of hard times?I will get what I deserve (I hope I deserve something even if,listen to my father,I don't deserve anything)?There will be a moment where I will stop to have bad thoughts?In these last times I can't stop to ask to me these questions (plus Why I always walk alone?Why there's nobody when I need a hug or just for some moments where I just can stop to think & enjoy the moment?).This continue fight is exhausting me.I feel I'm losing parts of myself.I feel like I'm having a hurricane in my heart.My eyes are melting.Even if I'm in a new country the story continues to repeat herself like a stupid dog that continues to bite his own tail.A vicious cycle that is suffocate me.What I have to do?What I have to change?Maybe my dreams are too strong.Maybe a huge part in my soul can't complitely give up to hard reality.Or maybe I'm just a weak tupid girl.Today I walked alone again after a shitty day that didn't give me anything.Just pain on my body & my soul.I tried so hard to breathe & stop to feel so fucking bad even if I just do the best thing for me...the right thing.For several times I thought "Fuck,I give up...I give up London,I give up the fight,I give up Planet Earth...I just have to wait the next double-decker" but after I just want to destroy everything around me.I just wanted to put out all the angry that I felt.But I didn't do anything.I just continued to walk.I just walked with Rufus & Thom.My two saviours.Near home I felt a sort of relief even if the only thing I would do was cuddle/be cuddle.I guess that the rain could complete this hightest moment of the day.I feel cold on my body & a hole that grows in my soul.I'm hungry for everything.Tomorrow will be another day.Another fight with other pains...I wonder if my body & especially my soul will survive.